I used to think that you had to have sex in hospital. I knew it was how you got babies and you did it in bed and hospitals had lots of beds. Logical, I think :-)

Andy

I masturbated for the first time with a stuffed dog. I believed I was going to have puppies.

Not pregnant with puppies

I learned to masturbate around the age of four, and did it all the time because it felt so good. One day I was watching a cartoon sex education video that my Mom rented and when the masturbation scene came up, the little girl hiding under the covers moaning a bit while the blanket moved up and down, my Mom says to me "Some people get sick from doing that too much". That day I thought ....."OH MY GOD, I AM GOING TO DIE"

Erika

A friend of mine, staying overnight, told me how he felt he was making progress with the sex thing. He said that his orgasm would last for half a second or so, but that he felt it was starting to take longer.

It turned out that he believed that he had to cum during the entire act of love!

He 14 then and went on to study biology.

Solitary Dolphin

Alright, I've been reading these and thinking I had *THE* most distorted notion of sex. Here goes:

When I was a tot, my parents were loud. Not average loud or exceptionally loud, but jet plane loud. Every word, breath, moan, grunt and bed squeak would echo through the house. Sometimes they'd get so entheusiastic they'd forget to close thier door, making it that much louder. So I'd wake up to a terrible racket and lay there, listening.

For some reason (and I have NO idea why) I was convinced that Dad was laying next to Mom, both naked, and he was somehow forcing her to make a dark, watery fluid come out of her "privates". (I didn't know exactly what a woman had "down there" at the time.) It was clearly painful and exhausting for her to make the fluid, which explained her screams and breathing.

His groans and noises were caused by him restraining her and forcing the fluid out.

I thought he collected this fluid in a shallow container and ran his hands through it, in the dark bedroom, feeling for something. Why? What exactly? Who knows?

Anyway, I'm perfectly normal now. Really. No psychological scars. Maybe the occasional uncontrollable twitching, but nothing you'd not expect.

Anyway...top that!

Smatter

the man looks at the woman. sperm are invisible and they fly through the air like a ghost through his clothes, through the air, though her clothes where they get to her and make a baby. this can take place even if they're standing across the street from eachother, sperm are very fast and clever. i don't know why i thought this. it seemed the only logical way for the sperm to get to the woman, how else would they get there??

dolly

i thought that everytime you masturbated santa could read the dirty thoughts in your mind = P and the only way to stop him finding out was to put a blanket over your head (even when it was hot!)I believed in santa till i was 11. That was an aweful lot of hot summer nights.

Penny Lane

My little sister argued with me when she was about 14/15 that "floor play" was what people did before moving to the bed.

The Older Sister

I used to think a womens vigina hole was about an inch below her belly button. Needless to say i was pretty shocked the first time I stuck my hand down a girls pants and couldnt find the hole! With a little help I was well on my way to manhood.

Joe america

My husband of 25 years believed that if a man and woman saw each other naked they HAD to have sex. I think he still believes it.

Glinda

Until being correctly informed, I never knew that girls could 'cum', so when hearing the line "creaming over tough guys" in a song, i assumed that the girls just got out cans of whipped cream and squited them over the men! How embarrassed I was when i suggested we do this at a party!

got milk?!

When I was younger, my older brother always used to ask me If I had 'Shot my seed' yet, and I didn't know what he was talking about. When one day I found out about masturbation I spent 3 hours in my bathroom trying to 'Shoot my seed' when I didn't shoot a seed (I was expecting a little black seed), but in fact shot out something else, I went crying to my brother because I thought mine was broken. He still takes the piss now.

MarkyPants

when I was 12 or 13 I masturbate for the first time by recomendation of my friends, according to them it was going to be like a water hose cumming because it was going to be the very first time, so I had to masturbate facing the back of the toilet and with music so my parents wont listen the very powerfull action to happen.
Of course, it wasnt true, beside the pain I was feeling, my huge worry was my sperm going in the flush, I tought my sperm will transform in to babyes in the drainage and will find the way back to find their daddy, I was horrofied!!!!
I got my drain pregnant!!!
it was until 15 years old I finally understood that will never happen.

richer

I shudder to think that I used to believe that oral contraceptives were taken so that ladies wouldn't get pregnant if a man came in her mouth.

numpty

I used to think that spam was semen so I was very confused when people talked about buying it in tins.

EB

I used to believe that gay sex involved a man sticking his penis inside another man's penis.

Anon

When I was younger, I heard my parents having sex one night. I didnt know that they were having sex at the time, I thought that they were just having a jumping on the bed contest, and I could tell that they were getting tired because they were breathing hard. The next morning I asked my mom who won.

Britney

"I used to belive when I was young that when a woman was raped, she was hit with a rake. So durring the fall one day, I accidentaly hit myself with a rake, then ran to my mom and told her the rake raped me.

Dumb Blond

One day when I was about 12 (just entering the stage of sexual awareness), I walked in on my brother watching "adult tv". I had already gotten the 'birds and bees' talk but I still didn't quite get it. When he invited me in, i of course jumped at the chance. He proceeded to tell me that "everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten." I was aghast at the thought and of course believed him. Then, with a sadistic smile, he began to 'wank his willy'. I begged and cried for him to stop. Upon realizing the futility of my endeavor, i ran sobbing to my mom, crying "please don't let stephen kill a kitten!" Needless to say he had a lot of explaining to due, but in the resulting confusion everyone "forgot" to tell me it wasn't true...it was several years (and a whole lot of guilt) later that I finally realized he'd made it up

Scarred Forever

i used to believe that 69 was a number game. And then when i asked my mom if she wanted to play i wondered why she looked mortified.

Haywood Jublowme