body functions

I used to believe…

When i was young i used to believe that beautiful girls never pee or defecate because God made them special as His angels. So i thought only ugly girls does that.

I've never had the strongest immune system, and as a child I had lots of colds. I refused to blow my nose, because I was convinced that snot was my brain, coming out through my nose. After all, if it didn't come from your brain, where DID it come from? Death, then, was caused by people blowing their noses and losing all their brains. Therefore, if I blew my nose, I was only hastening my death.

I used to believe…

My nephew was about 8 and thought he could fly. He climbed up the babysitter's tree, and jumped. Of course he didn't fly, but he did break his arm.

Evidently that wasn't enough, as soon as he got his cast off, he climbed back up the tree and did it again, breaking the other arm.

I used to believe…

My grandmother told my father when he was young that whenever you farted, a "pooter tail" came out of your butt, which was what made the sound. He would back up to a mirror and try to see the pooter tail for years! He told me this when I was young enough to believe in it (and not realize that his mother was messing with him), so I started doing it! I never saw the pooter tail either, but I always imagined it to be a long, skinny flesh colored tube with an orchid at the end of it. The tradition continues!

i used to believe that i could control my dreams by a computer that i had in my brain. i could simply call up a list of possible dreams and "click on" whicheer one i felt like having that night. for some reason my favorite was one called "fish in a bonnet," which was about this little striped fish that wore a pink bonnet and solved crimes.

I used to believe…

It is said that children's dreams are very vivid, so vivid in fact that they will believe they actually happened. This must be true, because to this day I have a vivid memory of flying up the stairs in my childhood home. I told my mom about it soon after it "happened" and she explained to me that there was no possible way I could fly. I didn't believe her, though. For years I thought I had actually flown up those stairs!

I used to believe that tampons were the greatest invention on earth, as it allowed women to pee without going to the bathroom.

Thats what I get for being a guy.

i used to believe that i could fly. i still dont know to this day whether i was imagining it or dreaming it but i have very vivid recollections of fling off my sofa and touching the light on the ceiling. i was so adament that i could do it that i tried to show my nan once and ended up with more than a few bruises after landing hard on the floor. needless to say that my flying days ended there.

I used to believe…

When I was very smallI saw a program that showed people cutting up worms, and it described how the worms would regenerate. At that age, I assumed that the human world and the animal kingdom were pretty much the same. I decided that arms, legs, and fingers could do the same if you cut them off. But, for some reason I knew getting your head lopped off was very bad. My mother and I were in a supermarket when I saw a man with one arm. I confidently blurted out, "Hey mister, how long will it take for your arm to grow back?" Thankfully, he smiled. Before he could answer, my mother dragged me away and set me straight. When she asked me how I came to the conclusion that people could grow their limbs back, I shouted through big tears, "The worms mommy! The worms!"

I used to believe…

As a child, I knew that spitting was rude, and that spit itself was considered disgusting. It concerned me greatly that I seemed to be swallowing spit all the time - surely this made me very dirty and bad, but what else was I supposed to do? Surely spitting it out would be worse? I was very worried that I produced so much spit as to need to swallow it all the time, so I asked my friends "do you do this too?" - I got no very definite answers, they all hedged or denied it outright, because they all knew, just as I did, that spitting was rude, and that spittal itself was disgusting. For years I thought I must be seriously malformed, and quite disgusting, it was a long time before I figured out that everyone is continually renewing their saliva in order to keep their mouth dry, and hence has to swallow it.

I used to believe…

When I was little I dreamed of becoming a movie star someday. One of the benefits that I thought I'd enjoy as a movie star was not having to poop anymore. I thought movie stars couldn't possibly have to do that. Since then someone has told me that actresses in the movies have to poop just like the rest of us do. I still wonder, though.

I used to believe…

When in 4th grade, a girl in our class give a presentation on how dangerous pollution can cause to our health. I was terrified at the thought of have kidney and brain damage, or hearing problems, stunted growth, or low IQ scores. So form that day forward I vowed to never eat any seafood or fish what so ever. I thought that the fish might not only damsge as I have stated above, but also they might tear me apart from the inside...*shiver*

I thought for the longest time that "canker sores" were really "kangasaurs". Whenever I heard the word, I would imagine some kind of weird creature in your mouth that was a cross between a kangaroo and a dinosaur.

I used to believe…

My little brother once asked what snoring was. When we explained it was a breathing thing while you slept, he seemed very surprised. We asked him what's wrong, and he said, "Don't you stop breathing when you sleep?"

I used to believe…

As a child I was absolutely certain that my anus could not possibly open wide enough to let out even a typical sized turd, not to even mention an especially large one. So I was sure that when one pooped, turds somehow magically materialized outside one's anus, giving only the illusion that they actually came out through it. Funny how i never thought to wish that they would materialize just a tad farther out from my anus, so I'd never have to wipe my butt!

I used to believe…

When I was five, I heard a joke (I can't remember it now) but the punchline was that someone farted and blew up a house. For a long time I was afraid to fart because I thought I would blow wherever I was up!

I have a cousin who lives in Perth, Australia. When I was seven, I got the idea of visiting her into my head, but of course I didn't have enough money. One day I was watching Mary Poppins, and the idea came into my head- why not fly on an umbrella? So next thing I knew, I was standing at the top of a hill at my school, looking forward to seeing Australia. One broken umbrella and several cuts and bruises later, I was disillusioned.