body functions

I used to believe…

My daughter was always trading her lunches at school for less healthy snack foods... On day I casually mentioned ato her that most mommies had a special power called "Mommy Radar" and if she lied to me, I'd turn it on and know if she was lying or not...

I then asked her if she ate all her lunch up, and she said YES... I asked her if she ate all HER lunch up, or did she trade it, and she said NO... she ate it all up. I then told her I was gonna turn on MY "Mommy Radar" and see if she was telling me the truth, and she started to cry and told me she had atually traded her sandwich for a Jello Pudding pack.

I actually KNEW shedidn't eat her sandwich because there was no sandwich wrapper in her lunch bag, but for years, she thought I had "Mommy Radar" LOL!!!

I used to believe…

When I was a child (obviously) I believed whatever thought I had just before falling asleep would be what I dreamt about. I used to lie awake for hours, thinking about Sea World...

I used to believe…

when i was about 6 i used to think there was an army of poops inside me, and that the leader would be telling them to jump out my behind.. even as a very logic-driven kid, i never wondered why they never ran out.

I used to believe…

when I was kid, I once got the idea that anything called a "poison" was inevitably fatal if you ate or drank it, no matter how small the amount you had consumed. And I thought furthermore that any poison would make you die exactly three days after you ate or drank it. Then one time my mother told me that you need to poop every day, because poop is poison and you need to get it out of your system. So I was terrified the first time after that when I went a day without pooping. I was sure that I would die three days later. So on the third day after that day I didn't poop, I was secretly preparing to lay me down to die. It didn't seem to matter that I HAD pooped on the two days in between.

I used to believe…

When i was young i used to lay my head on my pillow and listen to the tv in the next room. after a while when i was getting really tired i would start hearing this kind of "ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom" and i knew it was a heartbeat. what i diddnt know was tha it was MY heartbeat. i was so sure that there must be a camel living in my pillowcase that i screamed, turned on the light, and threw my pillow out the door. well, think of it from my parents perspective. a little girl screamind and siddenly a huge triangular-green pillow flying towards them. yeah i was a nutcase. after being assured that there were NO camels whatsoever inside my pillow (which was now on the floor) i went back to bed. well sure enough i heard the "ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom" again and diciden it was simply that the camel was obviously playing soccer and i decided not to disturb him

I used to believe…

My step-father used to tell me that if I swallowed my gum when I tried to go to the bathroom a big bubble would come out and I would get stuck in the toilet and he wasn't going to help me and I'd be stuck there forever.

I used to think that there were Indians under my bed. I would hear the drums beating if I put my head down on the matress. The longer I listened the more scared I got and the Indians would beat the drum louder and faster, louder and faster until I'd scream for my mommy.

I used to believe…

My 4-year-old son used to think that when you ate the food went to your legs first and filled you from the bottom up. So when it was time for dessert, he would say, I still have some room left in my right arm!

I am told that when I was two years old I was taken on a trip through several US states, to visit my grandparents. I had no trouble that time since I didn't yet know about there being different states in the US. But shortly after I first learned about the states of the US, my family was on an overnight trip to an adjacent state. As we were nearing the motel where we were to stay there, I had to poo real bad but I told nobody because I was afraid that maybe people didn't poop in the state we were in. I tried real hard to hold it in and thought I had succeeded. But I had to find out otherwise in the worst possible way. When we got to the motel and I was getting ready for bed and had taken off my pants but still had my panties on, my sister announced loudly to everybody, "Yvonne doo dood in her pants!" Yep, I'm afraid I had pooped and made most of the seat of my panties brown! I was petrified for fear I'd done something that one just didn't do in that stste!

I used to believe…

As a grownup, I've seen Fleet Babylax, which seems vaguely similar to what my mother must have used on me in one of my earliest childhood memories. I know she was squeezing something into my rectum and it felt really freaky. I asked her what it was for and she said in a reluctant and put-out tone, "It's to make you doodoo." I was incredulous because I'd been well indoctrinated at the time into a view that doodoo was nasty and a naughty subject that one didn't mention if possible. I'd never yet imagined that doodooing was'nt something one could be fine without dooing for however long one didn't get the urge to, and be all the more sweet, pure and well-behaved for avoiding for that matter. I'd yet to get any inkling that expelling feces might be a necessary and healthful thing. So in my incredulity I asked my mother again what it was for. She just waxed more cranky and pissed as she repeated,
"IT'S TO MAKE YOU DOODOO!" Gee, for whatever I might have thought of my mother most of the time back then, that day I thought she was really being some kind of cruel monster for trying, just for the fun of it, to make me be naughty and doodoo when I wasn't feeling the least inclination to do so.

I used to believe that "The Sandman" came every night, carrying a little bag of sand, shortly after I got into bed. He would wait outside the window (kindy floating like an angel). When I closed my eyes to go to sleep, he would come in and sprinkle some sand over my eyes, to help keep them shut and help me sleep better. The proof was when I woke up, there was still a little bit of the "sand" in the corners of my eyes.

I used to believe…

As a child (under four years old or so) I was slow to become potty trained. I was faring fine with number one, but as for poo-poo, I was still doing that in my pants at an age my mother thought was much too old to still not be "housebroken" as she often called it. Maybe she didn't really intend to compare me to a dog; she did have a habit of getting terms confused sometimes. Like one time I heard her refer to the transmission on her car as the "intermission". I pointed it out to her. She got real pissed and vehemehtly denied saaying "intermission" for transmission. Anyhow, back to the main story. To scare me into getting "housebroken", she made up story (at least I guess it was original with her) that, once I was five years old or more, any turds I did in my pants would turn into rattlesnakes and bite me. It must have worked, because I don't much remember shitting in my pants after that. But there was this one incident. By the fourth grade, my mom had me walking home from school every day. It was a bit over a mile. Then it happened. One day about halfway home, I had an urgent shit suddenly come on, that there seemed no way I could hold in until I got home. But I tried with all my might, terrified of the rattlesnake it could turn into. But then, some came out in my pants for all I could do. Desperate, I ran behind a bush in a stranger's yard, dropped my pants and dumped that turd like a hot potato, much relieved to see that it hadn't become a rattlesnake yet. But just as I started to pull up my pants up, I clearly felt more coming. What was I to do? I stayed there behind that push and doodooed the rest of my load there. Better than venomous fangs in my bottom! Afterwards I bolted for home in a hurry without wiping. Walking the rest of the way made my butt sore. It stayed that way for what seemed days (probably an exaggeration). But I didn't mind too much! Better a sore anus than a rattlesnake bite!

I used to believe…

When I was a kid, I somehow became quite convinced that only children poop, and that I wouldn't do it anymore when I grew up. Now I'm a grownup, still pooping and trying to learn to love it!

I used to believe…

When I was 5 or so, one of my friends (who was a guy) told me that anyone and everyone can stand up to pee... But girls just didn't because they were lazy... I got very angry at this "label" girls got... So the next time I peed, I did it standing up...and well.. didn't exactly get the pee into the toilet, instead, I peed all over the floor

I used to believe…

When I was small ( about 3 ) I accidentally walked in on my dad in the bathroom. Than, I went to my mom to ask her a question, "Mommy, when guys toot, does it come out of their peanut?" She explained it to me years later, and never lets me forget it xD

I used to believe…

Ok, when I was little, it was 1999, and I was reading a book no Dinosaurs. I asked my dad, "Daddy, will dinosaurs be in the year 2000?" Back then, I didn't know that dinosaurs have been extinct for more than 65 million years. He said, "Maybe. If there are, I'll make sure they don't hurt you." That night, continuing for about 3 weeks, I had a dream that I was a little girlscout selling Girlscout cookies, dinosaur shaped. When I opened the box, I dreamed that the cookies came to life, and terrorized my little made up world inside my head. After the three weeks, I believed that that was really what was going to happen in the year 2000. I never wanted it to come.

I used to believe…

When I was a kid, I was taught that pooping was naughty. So whenever I was taken to the doctor and thay'd take my temperature with a thermometer in my rectum, I thought they were trying to plug up the hole to stop me from pooping!