body functions

I used to believe…

when i first saw x-men (the film) i got so in to it i tried staring at a vase to try and make it blow up. i only stopped when my step-mum asked me what i was doin. the bad thing is, i was 13....

I used to believe…

When i was younger I watched a programme where a woman collapsed and stopped breathing, and a man had to give her the 'kiss of life' to save her.
One day i came home from school to find my brother and his girlfriend snogging on the sofa. Immediately i assumed she'd stopped breathing and was ressusitating her. I burst into tears. It was only after Id stopped bawling he explained he was kissing her.

I used to believe…

When I was younger, I swallowed a button by accident and my mum told me that it would come out when I went to the toilet. Every time I went to the toilet, I looked to see if it was there!

I used to believe…

When I was a kid my sister once told me that it was a sin to hold back a fart in Church. The reason she gave - concentrating on holding in the fart would distract your attention from the service, and you were supposed to give all your attention to the service. She even told me that because people are supposed to freely fart in Church whenever they get an urge to, that's why the seats are called "pews". Well, it seemed to make sense to me at the time. But by the time I had only let a few good farts in Church, I clearly found out that doing so did NOT meet with my parents' approval. I guess I then began to realize my sister had been playing with me.

I used to believe…

when my sister was little, she believed that when you farted it came out of your mouth and when you burped it came out of your butt...now you may not think its funny...but then it was hilarious.

I used to believe…

One of my friends (Not me, honest!) used to believe that girls pissed out their arseholes, hence the reason why they sat down to pee. He believed this up until Year 8 when the whole class corrected him.

I used to believe…

As a small child who empathised with everything around me (I thought everything had feelings!) I was terribly reluctant to eat a gingerbread man. I expressed my anxiety to my mother, who told me that my stomach would put it back together once I was done eating it.

For many years after, I was convinced that the purpose of the stomach was to reassemble chewed up food. I had a clear mental image of apples, carrots, etc, sitting whole in my belly.

It was quite a few years before it dawned on me that this was ridiculous. My mother still denies telling me such a thing.

I used to believe…

For years and years I used to believe that when you fell asleep, you died and that a new you inherited your body and all your memories. I was so scared to go to sleep on Christmas Eve and the night before my birthday because I thought it would actually be the new me who got to experience the day rather than the me that I was that particular day. I'd try to stay awake all night and outsmart the new me so I could experience a longer lifetime than other people and so I wouldn't lose Christmas or my birthday to whoever took over my body.

I used to believe that there was a little man in my stomach making stew. When I "put something into the stew" (my stomach) he did not like he threw it back up. And that is how people threw up!

I used to believe…

when i was a little kid, when my dad always farted he would say "there goes another barking spider." whenever he said that, i would dive on the floor looking for it.

I used to believe that the boogey man made you sick and when you broke a bone some invisible man would come and snap your bone.

I used to believe…

When I was little, I got the concept of potty training FAST.

But nobody told me to go in the crapper.

So, I figured you were supposed to pee in the vents. The vents on the walls were for big boys who knew all the way how to go potty.

It started with my own vents.

Then it cropped up in other people's houses.

'Twas quite a romp, 'til it ended with my parents, an office complex, and an angry old man.

I used to believe…

When I was a little girl, a friend told me that how "embarrasing" it is to go to the bathroom depends on one's hair color. She said that for blondes, pooping is more embarrasing than peeing, whereas for brunettes, peeing is the more embarrasing of the two. The reason? she told me that going to the bathroom is most embarrasing when you do something that doesn't match your hair! For years, I assiduously believed that as if rules of embarrassment were carved in stone. So as a blond, I was particularly secretive about my pooping. I'd almost faint in shame if my pooping was noisy and I thought anyone might have heard it, of if anyone came in afterwards and I thought they might be able to smell it. It's amazing that I never thought of carring around a brunette wig with me for when I needed to poop. But on growing up, I've really rebelled against this. I decided it was silly to think any rules of embarrassment so inflexible. Now I make it a point to be unabashed about pooping wherever and whenever I need to. Like just the other day, I was at a library where the ladies' room is small and has a vent on the door that wouldn't hold in much sound. A cute guy who had smiled at me was at a table nearby. I braved it all and went on in and did my poop which turned out to be a noisy one. I'm sure the guy heard it, but I prided myself on telling myself it's no big deal!

I would observe my baby sister a whole bunch when I was young. (5). I noticed that every few hours she'd make a very intense face, and turn red. I was horrified, thinking that one day she'd turn into the devil!!

Turned out, she was just having a crap.

I used to believe that when you were sick that you took medicine. Well i thought, the pills i take, where do they go? So i came up with a story that the ones who work pile up inside the right leg and the bad ones lined up the left leg. Then i thought, what happens if they get to the top of my mouth? Do i just swoosh off a few and then close my mouth back? Weird, i know!!!

I used to believe…

When i was little I used to think if I drank water while I was peeing it would go straight through me. I thought if I did thisI wouldn't have to go to the bathroom later on.