body functions

I used to believe…

As a child, once I got clear on the fact that I do have an anus (rather that poop just coming out by a sort of osmosis from that general region), I thought that an anus opened up into a cavity large enough to mostly fill one's entire abdomen. Turds would gather in that large cavity, so I thought, and compete to be the first one to get out. I thought at the time that a fart was a case of a turd trying to get out but missing the hole, perhaps being pushed aside by another turd.

I used to believe…

When I was about 4 years old, I asked my mom what happens when you don't pee or poop. She answered, "You just get bigger and bigger and bigger." So that afternoon my mom and I went to CVS and saw rather large lady. Then I screamed and pointed, "Look! That lady doesn't poop!"

I used to believe that I had no anus (nor did anyone else, I supposed, but that poop just oozed out of my butt by some sort of osmosis and formed into turds there.

I used to believe…

When I was five or so, some younger kids used to wee in a potty and pour it down a drain outside. I feared toilets (I thought they might flood, I think I used to flush and run away) and I wasn't self-conscious, so I'd sometimes wee in the drain. Someone must have had a go at my parents about it ("your son's not toilet-trained", or something) because I remember getting this huge telling off, any my parents weren't that uptight usually. and I just thought, it's a drain, if they can pour wee down it, I can wee in it. (I don't know if "if everyone did that, it would stink" would have made sense to me).

I was very well behaved for a few years, but I remember seeing a poster at a swimming pool asking people to shower, and to "use the loo not the pool", and was shocked to realise that some people would wee in the pool, showers, the bath, a quiet alley or wherever, and others thought some or all of these were disgusting, or that the only thing good enough to use was a toilet and nine litres of pure mains water.

No wonder kids get so confused.

I used to believe…

When I was very small I believed I could fly down the stairs. I tried it and it seemed like I was flying. I asked my mum about it recently and she said I just hurt myself badly. I don't believe her.

I used to believe…

When I was about 5, I was a very picky eater so I didn't eat a lot. My brother, who is 7 years older than me, told me that there were little bugs inside of me, and even if I didn't eat, the bugs inside still got hungry. So he told me they would eat my insides for food. Nevertheless, I ate all the time. I believed him for the longest time, like 3 years, too.

I have a freckle on my hand which I used to think it was a magic freckle that i could use like a button if I pressed it to turn on the light inside the fridge. This strange idea was not put to rest by my parents - my mother in fact encouraged this fantasy by standing next to the fridge and opening it as I "aimed" my freckled hand at it like a remote control...

I used to believe that the Queen of England used to be related to SuperMan because they both are very powerful. i asked my sister and she said that they were brother and sisters once removed, and there farther was Batman.

I used to believe…

When I was about three, I was distraught to witness my same-age cousin taking a poo in his potty, and thought that he had lost a part of his anatomy. So, meaning to do well, I promptly scooped up the potty contest and ran after him, shouting "look, look take it back - it's yours!" and couldn't understand why he didn't appreciate my advances...

I used to believe that if I didn't sleep on my back, then wicked elves would climb onto my bottom. I remember lying there imagining them with ladders and catapults climbing onto me. When I was about 9, I was convinced I was a vampire and I made a cardboard coffin and slept in it.

I used to believe…

when i was younger i used to think that a baby's head with green smoke around it would come and give me a 10 second countdown to go to bed if i went for a crap at night! i now hate babies

I used to believe…

My Grandma would make up lies in order to scare me into behaving. Once she told me if I went to bed without drying my hair after my bath, I'd wake up the next morning with a headache that would last FOREVER.
I always disobeyed anyway and made it through without the eternal headache from hell. But I was ALWAYS scared. Sometimes I would pray at night and ask God not to punish me with the headache...

I used to believe that when i pooped it would build up in the sewers and turninto a big poop monster.Everybody had their own slot where their poop went,and turned into a monster.

I used to believe that the little bit of gunk in the corner of your eyes (or as my mom used to call it, sleep) would glow in the dark, I guess because it kind of looks the same color as the glow in the dark stuff. So I tried collecting it for a couple of days. I didn't work.

I used to believe…

As I would lie in bed waiting to get to sleep, I could hear my pulse / heartbeat. Quite normal. But I didn't understand that it was my pulse and concocted the fiction that the sound was actually footsteps. Specifically, the footsteps of a man (moustached, wearing a safari outfit) who was walking his way from Africa to my house and who would kill me when he got there. Fortunately, I figured that Africa was so far away it'd take him a couple of years to get to me. I felt safe knowing that I had at least a couple of years to live (*rolls eyes*).

I used to believe…

When i was about 5 my mum always told me that the sand man was gunna come and put me to sleep by putting sand in my eyes. Well i got so scared i slept witha bandana wraped over my head.