body functions

I used to think that farting was the sound the food I ate crying. My uncle used to tell me 'Dont be embarrassed about farting in public, A fart is just the cry of a lonely turd'
Then hed do his famous fart poem

Excuse the gas that had to pass
just be happy I have a clean ass.

He was pretty gross!

I used to believe…

When I was a little girl, my father told me that odd pains and twinges in your legs or other places were caused by random cosmic rays from outer space passing through your body...
I believed this solidly, and convinced others, until I was 17 years old... When I told my father how well he'd fooled me, he thought it was pretty funny...!

I used to believe…

When Michael Jackson's vidoe for Thriller first aired I thought it was a horror movie(because it was quite long for a video). It scared me so much I wet myself, while sitting in front of the TV. The carpet was soaked. And the really bad thing was, I was at a friends house. I became the laughing stock of the neighbourhood for months after that.

I used to believe…

when i was really little i used to think that, because women sat down to go the toilet, that they pissed out of their arse.

I used to believe that if I ran fast enough I could move time back, a little. I must have been 6-7 and would dash home from school for lunch and my evidence was that I left school at 11:30 (school clock) and arrived home at 11:18 (home clock)

I used to believe…

When I was 5 amd 6, I thought that all the poop and pee in the world went to a factory where they reprocessed it.

I used to believe that my mum's kisses had magical powers and they protected you from all things scary for 8 hours. Farts had the same affect if deployed in bed....

I used to believe…

Once, when i was little, my mother took me to a friends house.
They had just redone the walls of the stairway, with a special paint which could be shaped into a curvy pattern.
I asked to go to the toilet and was told not to touch the walls as they were still wet.
Naturally, i left a handprint there and i was rushed off to have my hand washed.
I had heard that no matter how much you wash something, the germs wil never all go away.
I believed my hand was now made of paint, and i no longer needed brushes for paintings.

I used to believe…

Once when i was little, i dared to touch the spine of my mothers cactus plant. Since i touched it gently, i felt no pain. For several years afterward, i thought i was unable to feel pain or to get cut. I was proved wrong when i tried to show my friends by jabbing a pin in my leg. OUCH!

i used to believe that when you ate food it went down to your stomach and grew back into the whole peice of food before i had eaten it (like whole round tomatoes and pizza slices) and they lived in the Food City until a giant Tsunami came and washed them out (when you went to the bathroom)

I used to believe…

when i was younger i didnt know were all the food was going ,i knew that there was only limeted space inside me then i said to myself naybe it comes out as poo so i stuck my little fingers up my ass to find the area were the poo was coming from it was quite hard to find as i had a large ass as a child

I used to think that when you were sleeping you stoped breathing. Therefore when someone died they would soon wake up and live again.

I thought that if any part of my body was outside of the covers when I went to bed someone would come and chop it off. So, I would line the sides of the bed all the way down to the head with stuffed animals so I would be protected!

I used to believe…

when i was in sixth grade i didn't know what masturbating was and someone asked me if i masturbated and i thought they meant masticate so i said yes because of course i chew my food and everyone laughed at me

I used to believe…

My parents had my hearing tested when I said the term for pooing they'd taught me (or at least what I believed it was) - a "bow movement." The Japanese were of great interest to me at the time due to this misunderstanding. I did turn up a bit deaf, come to find out.

I used to believe…

My mom told me that if I swallowed bubble gum, that my insides would stick together.