body functions

I used to believe…

When I was around 5 or 6 I believed I could make the palms of my hands sweat just by mentally concentrating on them. I can't do it now, but I was convinced I could then. I have no idea what the purpose of it was, I thought I had a special power.

I once over-heard a conversation between classmates. The sentence was:
"My mom hates bending over."

I took it more as: "My mom never bends over or can't bend over." For years I tried to figure out how his mom would do household chores such as opening the oven to take something out without bending.

It wasn't until as an adult that I thought of the conversation and realized what was really said,
"She hates bending, that doesn't mean she doesn't do it."

The realization hit me when I reallized as an adult that I really can't stand bending over either. This evident by the complaints from my wife as to the length of my toe nails.

I used to have to strip completely into the nude as a child in order to go #2. I somehow believed that the poo would climb up and get smeared all over my back, so naturally I had to remove any and all articles of clothing in order to prevent any poo stains.

I used to believe…

when i was little i used to believe that girls didnt have a penis because they wet the bed when they were younger, and their punishment was to lose their front tail! i believed it so much, that i almost castrated my brother when he wet the bed. luckily my mum came in to check on us and caught me with scissors in one hand and my bros chipolata in the other, still attached thankfully! when asked what i was doing i replied, "just giving you a hand mum"!

I used to blieve that if you had to get stiches from the Doctor, he'd put you under a massive sewing machine and sew you up, because that's what my mother did whenever she need to "stich." I've hated hospitals ever since

I was about 4 yrs old. My Grandma was eating a banana split & she was chewing the ice cream! I asked her how she could do that. Didn't it hurt her teeth? She pulled out her false teeth. I though this was an excellent idea & told my Dad that I was going to have false teeth when I grew up. Why was this funny?

i used to believe that gangrene was so named due to its colour "war its gan green" (geordie accent) as opposed to the use of medical terminology describing dead decaying skin.

I used to believe…

My sister is three years younger than me, until this year, at the age of 15 she still thought that if you dont fart you explode. you can imagine what life in my house was like until she stopped.
its why i do drugs by the way sis.

i used to beleive that my stomach was just a big empty pit, and there was a little scuba diver in my stomch that would get rid of everything that made my tummy ache. i would always get scared to go to the bathroom because i thought i would empty all the stuff out and the little man would have nothing to swim in!

I used to believe…

When I was 6, my dad went into hospital for gall stones. My 6-year-old hearing perceived this as "Gold" stones, and I spent the next 3 days telling my friends how we'd be rich when the doctor got these gold nuggets out of my dad.

I used to believe…

when i would sometimes walk by the toilet when my grandad was coming out, i would catch a whiff of the stink he'd left. therefore i obviously decided in my 5-year old mind that only adult males had to shit.

I used to believe…

When I was about 4 I used to think that I had separate "tanks" intead of a stomach despite being told repeatedly that all the food went in to the same place by my parents - I would not accept this was true. For example: I used to say at meal times that my spinach tank was full but my ice cream tank was completely empty!

I used to believe…

When I was about 5, I asked my Mum where ladies peed from, since they had no winkle. She (obviously not wishing to confuse my poor little brain) told me that they peed out of their bums. It was my third girlfriend that told me otherwise. When I was 20.

I used to believe that when i was eating the food was really filling my whole body up. When I was really hungrey i was "full up to my ankles," and wehen i just couldn't eat anymore i was "full up to my eyes." That way, i was to full to eat my meatloaf, but not too full for the ice cream. I'm not sure where i thought my organs were, or if i had any organs at all.

I didn't know there was such a thing as Down's Syndrome when I was a little kid. When I saw kids with this affliction on tv I just assumed they were all from the same unfortunate-looking family.

I used to believe…

In 5th grade my friend told me in the dictionary under fart it said an explosion from between the legs. I argued with my mom about this for days until she finally told me that it actually said expelsion