body functions

I used to believe…

when I dreamed I could fly when I put my hands down my side but out flat palms down.Also I could fallow my self walking home from school.

I used to believe…

once, when declaring to my parents that i was going to stay up all night long, i was informed that morning would never come unless everyone on earth went to sleep. only then would the sun come up again. i fell asleep waiting to see if it was true.

I used to believe…

It did not occur to me until this summer (I was 21) that girls wipe after they pee. I learned this when I was riding in a car with a girl and she said she had to pee, and I offered to stop on the side of the road, but she said no, because she didn't have any toilet paper. So I said, "But I thought you just had to pee?"

I used to believe…

Circa 7 years old, I had a horrible habit of chewing on my hair. It was a nervous habit, but one that I enjoyed, so I pretty much chewed my hair throughout most of any given day.

Eventually, my mother grew tired of telling me to stop, so instead, she started telling me that I would get herpes from chewing my hair.

Yes, herpes.

At the time, I didn't know what herpes was, but it sounded bad.

I stopped chewing my hair.

Fast-forward a few years, jr. high, my first sexual education class. The teacher was talking about STDs and asked the class, "Who here knows anything about herpes?"

"I do, I have it," I responded.

The class errupted, and the teacher was shocked. I went on to explain that I'd caught it from chewing my hair.. to which more laughter came.

My teacher called my mother, explained the situation and verified that in fact, I did not have herpes.

My mother denied the whole thing up to her death a few years ago.

Go figure.

I used to believe…

My friends and I were walking through the woods one day and found a place where all the trees were dead and rotting. When were able to start pushing down and breaking all the logs and branches we thought we had been turned into superheroes.

I used to believe…

When I was a child I over heard my grandmother talking about colored people.I use to think that there were a bunch of rainbow colored people running around. The "colored" people.

I was very young and lost a toy or something and asked my mom if she'd seen it. She got that "how stupid can you be?" look and said, "Retrace your steps! You ALWAYS have to retrace your steps."

My innocent little warped brain somehow interpreted that as, you have a spool of invisible string that unravels wherever you walk, and by going back the way you came in you roll it back up on the spool. I consciously did that for so long it was well into high school before I realized I was still doing it unconsciously.

I used to believe…

My brother had me convinced that he posessed X-RAY VISION until I was nine years old. He proved this by telling me what was inside solid objects; for instance, a pink toy pig was "pink all the way through." Irrefutable.

I used to believe…

When I heard "kidney transplant" on TV, I thought they were talking about "kid knee". I was concerned for quite a few years about my knees being needed in a transplant.

I had a recurring dream as a child that if i lifted my legs from the ground, into the lotus position (I had no idea what that was, then), and pushed my hands toward the ground, i would be able to float in the air. I was so convinced of this that one day at school, i spent a whole recess trying to do it.

I used to believe…

When i was a very small child, for some reason i had no idea that people closed their eyes when they fell asleep, though i knew that you coulnd't see. (I was a strange kid.) If i went to sleep in the living room, i would press my face against the back of the couch so that i couldn't see in order to get to sleep.

I used to believe…

One of my elementary school mates once told me that if you burped and farted at the same time, you would die.

It was hard to test, and I was afraid to, but once the feat actually occurred and I didn't die, I figured it must've been because it wasn't _exactly_ the same moment.

I used to believe…

One time when I was little I was walking with my mum in nearby woods, when we came to the edge of a very steep hill. Of course, I set of with glee to run down it and my mum said "Be careful! Don't run too fast or you won't be able to stop" (presumably meaning I was go careering into a tree or something). Unfortunately though, I thought that when people ran, if they reached a certain 'key' speed, then they would be doomed to run everywhere for the rest of their lives.

I used to believe…

When I was six years old I had a dream in which I flew from one end of the garden to the other. Afterwards I was convinced that I could fly. Fortunately I only told a few people about it.

I used to believe…

Like "johnypants" I believed that girls didn't go poo. I knew that the peed, because I'd seen it happen. I even knew where babies come from, so I thought that with all those things happening down there, there wasn't room for anything else and they just had an incredibly strong digestive system that rendered everything down into pee.

I thought that when you went underwater, the rather cavernous part of your nose would still hold some air in it, and that I could survive underwater by taking really shallow breaths. I used to have dreams about it all the time, and if I breathed shallow for long enough, I could breathe normally.

I tried it all the time at the lake we would go to, and I wonder why I never drowned.