body functions

I used to believe…

My mom used to always tease that she was looking for the knob to turn down the volume on us kids. For the longest time, I thought there really was a knob someplace!

I used to believe…

When I was little I hated all people on crutches, becaue my dad was on crutches, and he was very mean and yelled a lot. It wasn't until I was in high school and one of my best friends got in an accident and is on crutches, that I realized that mean and angry is not contingent upon crutches.
My apologies to all the handicapped people that I didn't hold the door open for.

I used to think farting was actually a semi transparent light brownish gas or that mustard gas was the same thing. Sort of like smoking passing through your jeans whenever it happens. Also thought it was poisonous for a while.

I once heard my mother say of a certain popular movie star that she "thought her shit didn't stink". I found that baffling, as I must have thought until then that movie stars certainly wouldn't have to poop. But that got me to thinking that maybe movie stars poop just like you and I do after all. Still, I thought, concerning the glamorous movie stat that my mother referred to, that surely, If SHE ever had to poop, it was hard to imagine that hers WOULD stink.

I used to believe…

my aunt told me i did this when i was little and she was babysitting me. i was sitting on the toilet and i farted and then i said oops excuse me, my potty burped.

I used to believe…

when i was little, i used to believe that the boy i liked was not really a person.i thought he was not like us, he doesn't pee or sleep...gosh...i was so silly!!!!

I used to believe…

When I was younger, my sister told me that when you reached the age of 12, you had to take your head off to go to sleep. I actually believed her....such a loser. In all fairness though...she is 14 years older than me, and i was very very little. It still freaked me out though, and i was scared to go into her or my parents room when they were asleep...in case their heads weren't attached

I used to believe…

When I was about 8 my older brother [17 at the time] told me that he could shut off his hearing..I belived him and spent hours trying to figure out how!! As a mom now, I tricked my 10 year old into believing it to..for hours she tried turning it off,by feeling for the buttons inside your ears....

I used to believe…

When I was little I hated zippering up my jacket and my mom used to say "If you don't bundle up you'll be in the hospital with 'Triple Pneumonia'". I always thought it was one of my cousins who was always sick.

I used to believe…

When I was three, my mom told me that you could get AIDs from touching used cigarettes or chewing gum. I'm not sure if she honestly believed that, or was exaggerating or what, but I believed it. I wasn't even really sure what AIDs was, but I knew it was a horrible disease. For years, I would panic when I'd accidentally touch chewing gum underneith a table or railing.

I used to believe…

There is a scene in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves in which Snow White whipes off a foggy, dirty window so as to be able to see inside of it. I always thought that when she whiped it off, she was whiping a hole *through* it and if I were to do the same, I'd be able to stick my arm through the hole or something. I spent many afternoons fogging up windows with my breath and whiping them off, disappointed that nothing was happening.

I used to believe…

When I was young, my mother always asked if we had had a 'BM'. As I got older I couldn't magine what it meant, so I juts figured it meant Body Manure. It wasn't until I had a baby at 23 that I figured it out ( in the hospital) that was bowel movement.

I used to believe that, while relieving myself, I could flush before I was done and finish sooner. My puny brain rationalized it this way: ue to some obscure cosmicaw, I must be done before the flushing cycle is finished, so if I flush early, it only stands to reason that my voiding would then speed up to accomodate finishing before the flush.

I used to believe that if I really wanted to, I could fly.I could just think about it real hard and it would come true. I guess you could call it some sort of "Peter Pan Complex". I would have dreams about it at night, and they seemed so real. I could fly to school, fly down the hall, anywhere! It was so exciting.

I used to beleive that when you went to the bathroom to poo, there was a litle western saloon-style door that was guarded by two small workers and that when you were above the bowl and ready to release, they would simply stand aside, stop holding the swinging doors and that gravity did the rest.

I used to believe…

When I was younger, somewhere between six and eight, I had a bizarre dream where my Mother fell into a giant crack in our Driveway... Well, she didn't exactly fall in, she was pulled in by little chinese kids- that's right, little chinese kids. When I woke up, I was so sad, because I thought my Mom got pulled in forever.