grown-ups

I used to believe…

when I was young and I would hear a women complain she had crows feet, I believed when you got older you feet changed into,well crows feet. I was about 16 when mom said it and I freaked out. She told me what it really meant.

I used to believe…

When I was little older people were always talking about dumping each other. Now, I knew they were breaking up with each other but I thought they were literally "dumping" each other. They would take a bucket of water and dump it over the other person's head!

I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up when I was about three. I replied, ''A hairdresser except I'd only comb people's hair because my parents won't let me cut hair.''

I used to think that grownups made money by being given change at restaurants and stuff. Because at drive throughs and whatever I would see them hand my dad some money with his taco.

I used to believe…

When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would alway say "rabbit" or some type of animal. I used to think if you acted like an animal you could turn into one!

I used to believe…

When I was little I had a very balanced, cyclical view of life. First of all, I thought little boys grew up to be "big girls" (i.e., women) and little girls grew up to be "big boys" (i.e., men). When my parents told me I would never be a big boy, I cried.

At the same time, I also thought that young people got old and old people young. By the time I was my grandmother's age, she would be my age! I don't remember when this illusion was shattered.

I used to believe…

when i was about 5 i used to believe that my grandmother was really an aligator in a human skin, and when she went home at night alone, (she was a widow) that she would take off her human skin and lick her lips, thinking of who to eat next!

I used to believe…

When I was little, my mom used to leave me at my friend's house. My friend had trouble sharing and got into trouble a lot. I thought that if she was bad enough, her mom would give her to my mom so that we could eat her.

I've always felt a weird connection with my grandfather, who died before I was even born.
So, whenever I played on the swings I thought that he was trying to pull me to heaven.

I used to believe…

When I was young, I began pondering what I wanted to be when I grew up. I decided that I did not want to be a doctor, lawyer, or even The President. I wanted to be a toaster oven! For many years when adults would ask, "What to you want to be when you grow up?" I'd inform them that I wanted to pursue a career as a toaster oven. My mother, who no doubt dreaded that question, would cringe, turn bright red, and often times hurry me away from the stunned people. Sadly, I never became a toaster oven, but here's hoping for the future!

I used to believe till I was about 5 or 6 years old, that my brother (11) and sister (10) were deaply in love with each other. For what other reason were they together all the time?

I used to believe…

When I was 5 or so my dad told me that Indians are the people who "were here before us." I figured out that that meant my family had not always been "here." Later, I asked my mom where we were before now. She misunderstood me and said "We were always here." From that I guessed that in the past my family had been Indians, and had just spontaneously turned Irish at some point before my parents were born.

I used to believe…

Since my aunt was in the army and my dad tried to be in the army (they refused to let him since he didn't have good use of his legs), and since my grandpa was in the army, I thought that when you turned 18, someone made you join the army. I was terrified of the army, and I never wanted to grow up.

I never met my father, so when i was little, even though my friends had dads which i met, i used to assume that there was only like 5 dads in the whole world who fathered us all, and we all belonged to one of the 'dads', but that they gave us away to our actual mums and 'stand in dads'. I used to believe that one of these 'dads' was a statue of a fat butcher outside my local butchers, and that at least two of them were probably psycho killers, and that mine was probably either the butcher or a psycho killer, and I really hoped that it wasn't the later because I would be doomed to take after him since i was nothing like my mum, i must naturally be like my dad.

I used to believe…

When I was younger, in most of the couples that I knew, the man was older than the woman. This somehow gave me the idea that men always grow up to be older than women. The younger son of my mom's friend was harassing me by saying that he was older than me. His mom said "No, Christopher, she is older." I matter-of-factly told her, "I'm older right now, but he's sort of right becuase boys always grow up to be older than girls." I was quite confused when she set me straight.

I used to believe…

When I was in kindergarten some kids in our class didn't believe our teacher when she said she had a father. It wasn't until I was five that I knew adults had parents.

I used to believe…

When I was little I was always told that I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up. I took this very literally and told my Mother and sister that when I grew up I wanted to be a horse. I still hear about this story whenever family comes over. It haunts me to this day.

I used to believe that when you "became" a grown-up (a huge, dramatic event in which you went to bed as a kid, and then magically, when you woke up, you'd turn into an adult, complete with Disney-esque fairy dust, lol), you'd automatically know everything, and be perfect. So, if my parents got angry with me when I was a kid, it was just because they were impatient that I had yet to undergo the "amazing transformation" that they had, and become perfect like them. Over time, however, I figured out the truth, by watching my parents screw up from time to time, like the time my mom knocked the sugar bowl on the floor and yelled "Damn it!!!" thus teaching me my first psuedo-swear word at the age of three. Or the time my dad built me an intricately designed tree house when I was four, complete with stairs, a porch, and three windows, that he said required trigonometry to build.....but he stupidly measured the door EXACTLY to my four-year-old height, not taking into consideration the fact that I would GROW. Or the time my dad decided to make a "golf course" in the backyard, so me and my brother could practice with our Fisher-Price golf clubs, and he used soup cans as the golf holes, which worked great until the first time it rained, and they filled up with rain and leaves and rust......or the time my dad was teaching my brother to ride a bike, but he neglected to teach him how to stop, until he rode his bike into the garage door and cut his lip and had to get stitches and subsist on Carnation Instant Breakfast for a few days. I have more stories, but I can't really think of any more off the top of my head right now, lol.

I used to believe…

My friend (whose name shall from here on be "Janet") at the age of 5 was convinced that she was going to grow up and become a bumblebee. She believed this all the way into second grade, when she asked her teacher when they were going to start flying lessons.
I still tease her about that sometimes...