grown-ups

I used to believe…

When I was young I had a babysitter who took hormone pills but she said "homeown" (say it in your head), so I thought that when you owned a house you had to take pills.

I also believed that when playing in the ocean and the waves went over you they were actually going through you.

I used to believe…

When I was little, my grandmother always said "those who sing before breakfast will cry before evening". I believed that this was true for years, until I learned that it was my grandmother`s way of assuring herself of quiet mornings when I visited.

I used to believe…

My mom's family lives in Florida and we live in KY. Growing up my family would make the family trip to Florida every year. She would always say," We are going to Florida" and we would always stay with my aunt donna once there. For the longest time, I thought that my aunt donna's name was actually Aunt Florida. No one ever correct me, they thought it was hilarious. Still to this day, I sometimes want to call her Aunt Florida instead of Aunt Donna

I used to believe…

At some point I had heard the saying 'you need money to make money' and I thought that it meant than in order to get a job you had to pay the business you wanted to work for first. I never thought it all the way through though, so I didn't really know where the making more money part came in.

I used to believe…

When I was a child, I believed that everything would always work of for the best. Now, only at the age of 17, I know that this is not true. We learn only from our mistakes, and mistakes do not usually work out for the best.

I used to believe…

As a kid, I noticed that kids were flexible and adults were stiff in their movements; adults also seemed to be really interested in exercise. So I assumed that as you got older, you had to be careful to exercise & keep moving so you didn't stiffen up and die.
With this state of affairs in effect, it always bothered me how if people broke their bones, the doctors immobilized the broken part so it could heal. So I wondered why doctors thought this was a good idea, given that the part of their bodies that got broken got older faster from being intentionally stiffened by a cast.
I figured that having a part of your body that had gotten broken getting older faster was better than having it fall off entirely, because broken things were thrown away in the garbage. I thought once a limb had been broken, it would rot in a race with getting gangrene if you did not get a cast on it. (This also explained the bad smell inside of a cast as a race between aging and rotting.) This also explained to me how people who had been in an accident were somewhat broken for the rest of their lives.
All of these ideas made me very careful to not break a bone when I was a child, and to be very sympathetic & compassionate to people who had broken a bone.

I used to believe…

For some reason, when I was two years old, I was absolutely convinced my grandfather was in The Rolling Stones. Now, they weren't really popular at the time, as it was the early 90s, so I have no clue how I even knew about them, but I could not be deterred. even though he told me several times he was a retired insurance agent, I figured that was just his cover.

I used to believe…

After a trip into a wooded area, my parents needed to check my brother, sister and I for ticks. My father got in with us to search us head to toe (and actually found one on my sister). From this experience, I remember thinking that one day soon, my sister and I would start to grow our penises (as my brother and Dad both had them - and they were older). I literally thought that you had to be a certain age to have one, and it was only a matter of time before everyone got their own.

I used to believe…

So my mum has just had my baby sister. Right. Now, have you ever seen the clich� story in like, EVERY kid's TV show with the whole, "Now my parents have a baby they won't care about me any more"? Yeah, I kinda thought you had to do that(you can see where this is going). Cue me crying in Reception (age of 4, about 1st Grade to all you Yanks) at my school.


Thanks alot, Tweenies.

I used to believe…

When I was a kid I had a toy plastic Gumby. My Dad always pretended he was going to eat him and eventually I stopped believing him. Well once he told me he ate him and I told him I know he didn't and he opened his mouth and I saw green stuff smeared all over his teeth. I burst out crying and didn't stop for 30 minutes! He had smeared a green crayon all over his teeth.

I used to believe…

When I was really young my 16-year old sister used to tell me she could shrink me to the size of an ant anytime she wanted and that she would then step on me and that she had a brother once before who she did it to. I was terrified and tried to think of ways I would survive if I was ever shrunk that small.

I used to believe that since my dad always left for work right before the weather report came on the news that he was the weatherman. The only problem with this theory was that the weatherman was actually Spencer Christian who was black...my dad was not.

I used to believe…

When I was a kid, for some reason, my evil Satan's child brother took it upon himself to teach me my colors. Red was red - apples were red, and so on and so forth. However, he told me that "green" was orange and "orange" was green (and I never quite figured out why oranges weren't called greens.) In first grade, my teacher asked us to do a color-by-numbers picture, and kept me in at recess because I'd done it wrong. Finally, she figured it out and said, "Betty... Can you get me a green crayon?" I still to this day confuse green and orange.

I used to believe…

When i was younger i used to believe that my real mom was locked up in a closest, and that the "mom" i had was a secret agent trying to brainwash me and my brother because she was too mean to be a real mom.

I used to believe…

when I was younger I was convinced my mother had eyes in the back of her head, and could even see through walls. Once I was in the living room, which can't really be seen from the kitchen, and I decided to test it out. I was practicing my fake karate moves, which I thought I was excellent at, and I called out to her to see if she knew what I was doing. She yelled back that I was doing karate, and I was absolutely shocked. I didn't mess with her from then on, because she obviously had killer X-ray vision.

I used to believe…

When I was a little girl I truly believed that my father had magic powers and could control the traffic lights because whenever we were in town and stopped at a light he would waggle his fingers and say "Annnnnnnd you're green!" Viola! The light would change and off we'd go. For the longest time I thought my dad had this awesome ability to control the lights.