workShow most recent or highest rated first. Common beliefs in this section include:
- Firemen start fires.
- Getting fired means being set on fire.
- You can be literally anything you want - animal, vegetable or mineral
My dad was in the army and I heard them marching and shouting as they went "Left! Left! Left! Right! Left!" I wanted to emulate him but I though you had to take three steps with your left and one giant step with your right leg. I thought being in the army would be soooo hard. It wasn't until 6th grade that I finally figured that it was just to keep timing. Hmmm.
I was watching a breakfast show once when I was about 6 and they mentioned the word prostitute..I asked my mum "Whats a prostitute?" and she replied "Its somebody who sells their body" To this day I remember the confusion I felt as I pictured a market stall with people laying out on stands etc selling there body i couldnt work it out ..i mean why would they do that? Wow i really dont wanna be poor when i am older...
When I was under five, I used to think that there were people who were squished btween the ceiling and the roof of dept stores, like Sears, and their job was to give all the announcements through the speakers in the ceiling. I pictured them laying down in the dark, yelling through those speakers, like "Clean-up in aisle seven.."
I used to believe that doctors could not get sick.
I once believed that work is where adults went to play, like i did in kindergarden. But they didn`t seem to have as much fun as we did. I remember thinking it wasn`t fair that they got paid to play while i was doing it for free.
When I was little I once saw the word "stripper" and asked my babysitter what it meant--she said that it was a woman who takes off all her clothes layer by layer, and for the longest time I imagined that strippers wore bulky winter clothing with lots of layers for their routines.
When I was about 7, I loved anything and everything that had to do with art. Drawing, painting, sculpting, anything. I was convinced that I would become a famous artist when I grew up, but I didn't know what kind. Well, one day I heard the phrase 'con artist' on TV. I didn't know exactly what it meant, but I knew it was some kind of artist.
A few weeks later, my friend and I were playing with her Magic 8 Ball. I asked it if I would become a con artist when I grew up, and it said yes.
The next day in school, the teacher asked us what we were going to be when we grew up. I proudly proclaimed I was going to be a famous con artist. This caused quite a reaction, and it was then that I finally learned the true meaning of the phrase.
My dad used to play in a band when I was younger and whenever anyone would ask me where my daddy worked I would tell them his job was to go shake his booty.
When i was little i used to believe that they put food coloring into the ocean because it always looked blue and the water out of the faucet was clear. So when i was asked what i wanted to be when i grew up i told everyone i wanted to be a ocean colorer... no wonder everyone looked at me funny.
It was when I was in about kindergarten. We were to reply to the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' I figured that since an artist was someone who did art, than a racist was a race car driver. After I spoke my words proudly, the teachers and my parents, plus a bewildered audiance started cracking up.
I used to believe that "I rest my case" was what lawyers said when they put their briefcases down on the table in the courtroom.
After I realized I couldn't be another species when I grew up, I decided I would be a ballet and tap dancer. My dad disappointed me when he told me dancers don't make much money, so I was on the hunt for another job.
One day at a baseball game, the hot dog man came around. He was carrying this HUGE wad of cash. One look and apparently my eyes got huge. I KNEW that's what I wanted to be. I'd never have to worry about money. Plus I loved to yell HOOOOTT DOOOGG!
I told everyone about my dream, but I didn't tell them how much money the hot dog man made because I didn't want anyone to steal my job.
I used to believe that doctors lived off of medicine until I saw my own doctor at the grocery store buying chicken.
I used to believe that a mistress was the same as a seamstress and I couldn't figure out why all these men were so attracted to ladies that sew.
I used to believe that "Tallest Person in the World" was a job and that it paid good money. When I was in elementary school I always tried to be the tallest and when someone beat me, I was heartbroken.
When I was little Dad worked all day, from eight till seven. When he was home, I didn’t leave his side. Unbeknown to him, I’d listen to his every word- Including all his swearing. One night, he was talking about his boss, Mr. Rickman. He claimed Mr. Rickman had a ‘stick up his arse.’ Dad often went on about people at work who had ‘stick’s up their arses.’ As an impressionable child, I took that literally, and I felt very sorry for all of these people.
A year later, on dad’s birthday, when I was five, Mum took me to his office to surprise him. We crept up to his office stall and Mum whipped out a present. A few of his colleagues started laughing and clapping. They crowded around the stall. I walked behind all of them and said as loudly and matter-of-factly as I could, “Dad, these people don’t have sticks up their arses.” Dad went bright red. He was about to strangle me so I ran off and hid in a bigger office. An older man greeted me and bent down to say hello and introduce himself. A crowd gathered outside the office, waiting to see the reaction. Everything was quiet and in my loud voice I said, “I feel sorry for you.” Mr. Rickman asked why and I responded, “Because that stick up your arse must hurt a lot.” Dad ended up quitting his job!
My dad told me when I was little that he was an accountant, that he did math and worked with numbers. Naturally, I thought he was a 'count' like the count on sesame street. I couldn't understand why he never wore a cape to work.
One day at school when I around 5 we learned about "strangers." When I came home I told my mom that I wanted to be a stranger when I grew up so that I could give candy to children.
I used to believe that EVERYONE wanted to be an astronaut when they grew up. I guess I thought most adults had tried and failed, and had settled for an inferior option.
My mom is a doctor, and I remember that one day (I was about 6) she was talking about the fact that she had to perform a prostate exam. I had heard of a job called "prostitution" so I figuered that a prostitute was just someone who did prostate exams, (so basically, it was a fancy word for a doctor.) So, on parents day, (our parents came in and talked about what they did for a living) I wanted to impress my teacher by using big words... You can see where this is going. When it was my turn, I grabbed my mothers hand, marched up in front of the class, and loudly proclaimed "This is my mother, and she is a prostitute!"