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One year, my Dad and I went Christmas shopping and he spent two hours talking a price down on a gift for my mother.When we returned home mom exclaimed "What took you so long?" I replied "Dad spent forever masturbating with the guy at the counter." As soon as I said it my mom cracked up and Dad turned red. I tried to play it off like I knew what I was talking about until I told my friend the story.She explained to me I mixed the word "masturbate" up with the word "haggle."
When I was little, I pronounced "variety" veye-ar-it-ee, and kept trying to correct my Dad for pronouncing it wrong.
When I was a kid I believed the phrase "the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach" was suggesting that you bypass the ribcage and sternum by going through the stomach and reaching up when you rip a man's heart out
I thought the word "current" only applied to electricity. One day when I was maybe 6 or 7, I went on a nature hike, and the guide started talking about the current of a stream that was flowing through the park. I concluded that the stream must have had electric eels in it.
I thought the phrase "throw the towel in" had to do with throwing one's swimming towel into the pool/ocean/lake/river.
Until I was about 10 years old, I believed that if you were called "ingenious" it meant that you were smart--like an "injun"...
I used to think a church choir (I pronounced it 'chore') and a church 'quire' were two different words for the same thing.
When I was about five or so I overheard my uncle talking about how something cost him "50 bucks." I asked him what bucks were, and he said "dollars," but I thought he said "dolls." For the longest time I couldn't figure out what my uncle was doing with a bunch of dolls and why anyone wanted to give him stuff for them.
When my brother was little, my dad took him to a sauna, the kind with the benches, and he was fascinated. Later that evening, while company was over, he told my dad, "Tell mom about the hot bitches we saw today!" Her face was priceless.
When my youngest brother was about three years old, he asked our mother, "Mom, what does 'tell a fib' mean?"
Mom explained, "When you tell a fib, you say something that isn't true. You lie."
My brother was silent for a moment.
Then he asked, "Mom, did *you* ever use a telefib?"
When we were little, one of my dad's favorite comebacks was "You & what army?"; he used it any time one of us would threaten to beat him up, or take something from him, that kind of thing.
My youngest brother just confessed to me a couple of years ago (in his early 20s) that he always thought Dad was saying "You, and what, are me?"; the poor kid could never, ever make sense of that question! It was all too deep & philosophical for his little-kid brain.
Ever since he confessed that, every time I mail him anything, I put "You + what = me" on the envelope flap.
When I was in preschool, if we couldn't go to an area it was "Off Limits." Me, not knowing the word "off" in that context, and not knowing what the word "limits" meant. I thought it was some German term, like Auflimetz, that mean "Don't Go Here"
I used to think that marshmallows were called "Tartamos" and one day my parents opened the cabinet and i saw them an said "Tartamos" and my parent's said what? A few days later they found out what i was talking about.
I used to think ambulance was pronounced alienbulance and that the people who worked in there and drove where aliens
i used to believe that if you were sat in a comfortable chair for example you were 'comfty', not 'comfy' and also that 'helicopters' were 'helicockters'
I used to think the expression "to be in a quandry" was "to be in a quarry" It seemed logical to me because if you were stuck in a quarry this would definitely be a big problem!
I used to believe that the word rape was just slang for stabbing someone so when someone got raped they had just been stabbed.
Until I was about 15
Until I was about 8, I though my parents were calling an emergency vehicle "ambiliance" instead of ambulance, my nickname being Billy and my parents' mid-western pronunciation adding to the confusion.
I forgot the expression "not cricket", so I said, "not tennis" instead.
Until one of my parents actually used the word out loud, I used to see the word 'deluxe' on my pet rescue game, and thought it was pronounced 'DELCKS-chur'.