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monsters

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The Definitive Monster Protection Rules (I know they work, because I'm still here. ;)


1. Before going into a darkened bedroom, bathroom, or basement, throw something through the door or down the stairs. This will scare the monsters into hiding long enough for you to turn on the lights.

2. Leave a light on. The bathroom light down the hall is acceptable, but a nightlight is even better. Flashlights only make them hide until you turn it off.

3. Leave a plate of cookies just inside your baby brother's room. Monsters like cookies, too, and the scent will lead them to his room instead of yours.

4. Leave the door to your room open. This will allow your parents to more clearly hear your ear-piercing screams should a monster attack you in the middle of the night.

5. Monsters are as afraid of parents as children are of monsters, so bathe in your daddy's aftershave before you go to bed.

6. Wear Superhero Underoos instead of your jammies. This deceives the monsters into believing that you're a Superhero, and they'll be too afraid that you'll hurt them to attack.

7. Ensure that all closet doors and dresser drawers are fully shut or completely open. If they're closed, the monsters can't get out to attack you. If they're open, the monsters that are hiding inside will know that you know that they're there and they won't come out.

8. Put a pillow next to you in the bed and cover it up. There is a 50/50 chance that the monsters will attack it, instead of you.

9. Pull your covers up to your neck. Monsters are allowed to grab you by any body part, except the head, that isn't protected by even a thin layer of fabric.

10. Do not allow any part of your body to dangle over the edge of the bed in your sleep. The monsters under the bed will use this as a loophole to grab that body part and pull you under.

11. Make sure that your covers are flat across the rest of the bed. This enables you to see any suspicious bumps moving toward you under them and will give you enough time to sound off an alarm (the ear-piercing scream mentioned earlier).

12. Never, Ever, look under the bed after the lights are out

13. If you have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, don't - because this is the chance for which the monsters have been waiting. If you're unable to hold it until morning, jump at least a body length from the edge of the bed (so the monsters under the bed can't grab your ankles) then quickly make your way to the bedroom door without actually stepping on the floor. The clothes you left strewn across the floor when you changed into your jammies, rather than putting them in the hamper like your mama's asked a million times, can be used for this purpose.

This takes advantage of a little known point of monster law that states they are not allowed to grab a human child unless his/her feet are touching the floor. Contrary to what your mama believes, dirty clothes on the floor could save your life. Another obscure point of monster law states that they can't grab you if you're standing in a spot of light, but this is unreliable as a means of protection because the monsters will cheat if it's moonlight.


Addendum I: Green Jello = Monster Kryptonite.

Addendum II: Contrary to what your daddy will tell you, there is no such thing as the Potty Monster. He made this one up because he finds the expression on your mama's face amusing when you tell her that you peed your bed because you were afraid the Potty Monster might eat you.

~~heaven
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When I was at the ripe age of 3, i was always horribly terrified of going into my living room. Why, you ask? My cousin somehow got me to believe there was a monster living in our grand piano and it was very hungry. She said to keep it in the piano, I had to keep it full by feeding it french fries.

Every day until we moved, I'd pop a little fry in the hole under the keys to keep the horrible monster tame.

Needless to say, my mother was not the happiest person in the world when we had to move the piano into the truck.

Brian
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When I was nine, my older brother told me that there was a leprechan in the mouse hole in my room. The leprechan supposely would come out every St. Patrick's Day to try and take me away. So I stuffed the hole with reese's buttercup wrappers.



Problem solved.

Lute Nukem
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My sister feeds my niece saying if she doesn't eat then a monster named alok bam bam will come take her away.. she described that monster to have long hair and beard... and fat.. When my sister went to drop her off the school on the bus stop she saw a person similar to this description. Quite brave she went and told him she had her breakfast in the morning.. She is 5..

akz
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I used to believe when I was younger that if you got hurt and you started bleeding, you would turn into a monster. So when my brother accidentally cut his thumb open with a knife, I started crying and screaming, "Mom! I don't want him to turn into a werewolf!"

The Werewolf's Sister
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I used to believe (due to playful threats from my father) that an alligator lived under our couch cushions. Anytime we would wrestle around, he would stick my arms under the couch cushions and say that the alligator was going to eat me. I always sat in the floor.

Anon
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My brother and I used to believe that trolls lived under the parking spaces that say '15 minute parking only,' and if you parked there for longer than 15 minutes, the troll would come out and smash your car to pieces.

emily
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when I was about 5 or 6, I believed that there were rhinos behind the furniture in the guest room, when it was dark.

Bakkar
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When I was a child, I believed that if you had any body part other than your head out of the covers, T-Rex would walk by your house and see you and he would then proceed to lift the roof off like the lid to a box and eat you. He'd then calmly put the roof back down and keep going, looking for other kids to eat. Likewise, if you had an arm or leg hanging over the bed, something could reach up and grab you from underneath. Only safely in the middle of the bed with the covers pulled up to your chin were you safe!

Schaianne
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I used to believe the boogeyman lived in my nose

Shelby
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My Parents were friends with a couple who owned a Pub in the country. In order to keep me on my best behaviour when we went to visit, I was told the the Man who owned the pub turned into the incredible Hulk when he was angry. I couldn't take that chance as I was so terrified of the Hulk at the time, so I behaved like a little angel.

Dave
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When I was a 5 or 6 year old, I was scared of going to the pond. Wanna know why? Because one time when I was at the pond with my babysitter, I tried to pick the lilies in the water.

My babysitter told me that if you pick the waterlilies, a hairy monster with glowing eyes was going to rise out of the pond, and drown me into the water. I was so scared that i never went to the pond for many years, fearing that the "pond monster" was going to drown me. Then after my parents found out, my babysitter never babysat me again.

To this day I have no idea why she told me that..

Anon
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I used to beleive that unicorns really existed, and they had them at the Safari Park!

Julio Foolio
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When I was very little, my bedroom was directly across the hall from my parents room. If I ever got scared in the middle of the night, and would have to crawl into bed with my parents, I'd stand at the doorway of my room forever, trying to get up the courage to run across the hall to their door, a mere three feet away.

Cause of fear? The furniture in the living room at the end of the hall. I was always terrified the chairs and couch would see me run across the hall, and somehow manage to get to me before I got to the door of my parents room. I always had to look down the hallway to make sure they weren't close enough to make it.

Theresa
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As a child, I believed that there was a monster under my bed but if I dropped candy on the floor on the opposite side that I got out on that he wouldn't see me as I leapt from the bed across the room! My Mom always wondered why there was candy on the floor on that side of the room!!!

Heather
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When i was a kid we used to go on holiday to Wales and my parents would tell me that dog's footprints (on the beach) were Welsh dragon's claw prints. I believed this for a long time...

Anon
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when i was little, i used to believe vamires had straws in their teeth and they drank blood through the straws...

Krystle
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When I would be riding along in the car and it was dark outside, I would look far into the distance and see the outline of the trees. But I used to think the dark outlines were monsters and they looked like they were going in the direction of where I was headed. I was always freaked out that one day they'd all be there waiting for me.

Amber
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I used to think that the monsters under the stairs made a mass migration every night, and that their migration path led them right over my bed. If I lay very very still and held my breath, they wouldn't notice that there was someone under the blanket they were walking on and they wouldn't attack me. If I closed my eyes, I could see them all stumbling over me in a long long line...

Anon
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I used to believe that any items in my bedroom - such as scarves, string, long sleeved jumpers etc - were possessed with an evil intelligence that awoke as soon as the lights went out and would strangle me in the night if I didn't tie them in knots. I finally stamped on this belief when I left home to live with my (now) husband when I was twenty !

Rachael
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