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I Used To Believe newsletter: April 2005

hi,

you might think that there's nothing untoward about watching a sunset, eating out or playing a board game but this month's beliefs prove that even here, children are a never-ending source of gruesome invention. there's also a lesson for would-be soothsayers: check your calendars first.

have fun,

mat.

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I remember asking my mom if the doctors could sellotape your head back on if it was chopped off; she re-assured me that they could.
David

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When I was little I used to think that the handicapped spaces were for people who needed to go to the bathroom really badly. I thought that the picture of the person on the wheelchair was someone sitting on the toilet.
Anon

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When I was little, my older sister and I were looking at a sunset. She told me that the sky was red from the blood of all the dead people in heaven. I believed that for a long time.
Mary

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When I heard the stock market reports on the radio, I thought they were buying and selling chairs, not shares. Millions of them, with the price changing all the time.
Anon

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When I was a child I used to believe that stand up pianos actually told jokes as well as playing music.
L MAN

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I used to believe that the stretch marks on my dad's stomach were really the result of his fight with bears, which he won of course.
Neff

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I used to think that the ages on game boxes was how old you had to be to legally play that game. Whenever my family was playing a game with someone who wasn't old enough and I heard sirens, I just knew that the police were coming to arrest us all.
Sarah

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A friend told me once that when she was a kid, she used to think men had leaves as private parts. She had only seen naked statues and they all had leaves there.
Anon

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When I was a kid the most popular dessert to order in fancy restaurants was chocolate mousse. The first time I ate it, there were pieces of what I now know was chocolate in it. At the time I was convinced they were actually pieces of moose.
Marla

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I used to believe that my parents relied on me to make the traffic lights green. I would do this by absorbing the green from trees and grass with my eyes and beaming it into the traffic lights. If I was given enough time I had a 100% success rate.
Jeff F

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I used to believe that the lines down the middle of the road were painted on by someone leaning out the passenger side window of a car. I just assumed you had to have a really steady hand and long arms to get hired for the job.
Brittany

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I used to sleep in my bed all rolled up in a ball because I was afraid that someone would break into our house and upon seeing my incredibly comfortable bed, steal the bottom half of it. I slept balled up to make sure that my legs wouldn't get cut off when he cut my bed in two.
Anon

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I used to think that vanilla was the absence of chocolate, not a flavor in its own right.
Gen

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I used to think that bookmakers made books and could not understand why there were so many of them or why they had stained glass windows of horses. I was 18 before I found out they were betting agents and that Scotland wasn't a great literary capital of the world.
Scaussie

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As a kid I desperately wanted to be a Girl Guide but I thought you had to be born one, like being an Orthodox Jew. I couldn't wait till I grew up and could convert to being a Girl Guide so I could wear a blue uniform all day and earn badges.
emmline

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My father had false teeth and my oldest sister had a glass eye. When I was little, I used to believe that people could be taken apart to be cleaned.
Anon

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At one point growing up, I became convinced that the world would end on February 29, 1997. It didn't matter what I did, what I achieved, or how I lived my life because come February 29, 1997, the whole world would blow up and utterly extinguish all life on earth. I believed this until one day I realized that 1997 wasn't going to be a leap year.
romulus

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I used to think that meat was taken from animals by an operation and that they recovered afterwards. I was horrified when I discovered the truth and I'm now a vegetarian.
Megan

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I used to think that, on your birthday, you didn't actually turn a year older until you ate some birthday cake.
Joe

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My dad always told me the ice-cream van was the manure truck and said "isn't it so nice of them to play music for the kids and bring healthy manure for everyone's gardens?" I didn't know otherwise until I moved to the US and a friend told me they sold ice cream.
Puck

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