I Used To Believe newsletter: April 2012
We're considering fame this month; as Andy Warhol said "In the future, everyone will be world famous for inventing a toaster." Or something like that. Then there are other famous types that you just can't avoid - how does Mr Fresco manage to hold so many picnics and BBQs?
I used to believe that when older women had hot flashes it meant that they had flashes of young, hot men pop into their heads.
When I was young, I would stay the night with my grandmother and she would make biscuits or toast for breakfast. If she happened to burn it, she would tell us that, "Burnt bread makes you beautiful." I know she said this just so she wouldn't have to make more, but we all believed her, and to this day, I prefer burnt bread.
I thought that rat poison is only poisonous to rats and harmless to humans and other animals (fortunately I never acted on this).
When I first heard the term al fresco I thought it was someone's name. I think the first place I heard it was "an al fresco buffet" and thought "this guy Al Fresco must be a really good cook if they mention him by name!"
I used to believe wild flowers were dangerous because they were "wild." I thought the safe flowers were domesticated flowers.
I used to believe that expired milk came from expired cows.
I thought you could hypnotize people with a yo-yo.
I misunderstood the concept of the Sandman as a kid. My mom, checking on me before she went to bed, found me sitting up in bed. Why aren't you asleep, she wanted to know. Calmly, I told her I was waiting for that old man to come and throw dirt in my eyes!
I thought a contract killer was someone who kills people who break a contract.
When my sister was 4 she thought that if you put a piece of meat into water it would turn back into the animal it came from, so she carried a piece of ham around for a whole day.
I used to believe they were called dentist disappointments rather than dentist appointments.
My dad convinced me, when I was a little kid, that if you turned the volume up to full on any sound system it would explode. A belief I carried into my late teens.
Until I was about 11 or 12, I would not go down the condiment aisle in the grocery store by myself. I thought that was where the condoms were displayed/sold and I was too embarrassed to let anyone see me near a condom.
I used to think a "con artist" was an actual type of artist, like a sculptor or something. My mom was surprised to hear that I was thinking about being a con artist when I grew up!
When I first heard someone described as a "household name," I figured it must mean that they have a mop or blender of some other household appliance named after them. Like a Dinah Shore toaster or a Johnny Cash stove.
When I was little I used to lay on the ground and look up at the sky. I swore I could see the earth turning, because I thought clouds were stationery so the movement I was seeing must be the earth spinning slowly.
When I was little I believed, with the encouragement of my parents that the red hazard light button was really an ejection button for bad kids. In addition if the button were to be pressed one would go flying through the sun roof. I think I believed this for a good solid 3 years ;)
My cousin told me that "gay" meant that you like boys. Being 8 or 9 at the time I was like "oh, I'm totally gay" until I figured out about the sexual part...
I used to believe that the world is a snow globe for giants and they would sit and watch us move around for their entertainment.
When we would go to the beach we used to play in the waves. My brother told me they were whales and I got so freaked out every time a wave came, I jumped as high as I could, not wanting to hurt the whales. Boy, it was hard to keep up sometimes.