I Used To Believe newsletter: December 2011
This month we've got the world divided into groups: cars with red lights or white lights; drivers or walkers; and if you're a walker: clothed or naked. Plus a seasonal Rudolph belief to get you in the festive spirit.
I used to believe that the Pope lived in an aeroplane. Because whenever you saw him on TV he was getting out of an aeroplane. I even drew a picture of the aeroplane in my First Communion book under the heading "where the Pope lives" and none of the nuns at school bothered to correct me.
When I was little, and I saw the sign that said "Pedestrian Crossing," I thought that certain people were born "drivers" and certain people were born "pedestrians." We were a driver family, and I would look at the pedestrians and feel sorry for them.
I thought the law of gravity was an actual law passed by some government in the past and before that everything just floated around.
When I was little i used to think that tornados were tomatoes with legs that walked in your house and go crazy.....Maybe thats why i had a fear of tornados?
i believed that if i jumped down the stairs with an umbrella i would float around like marry poppins. i disproved this by learning it the hard way.
One time I asked my mom who Jesus was, and she said "He was a good man". To me a "good man" was someone who wore a business suit and carried a briefcase, so that's how I pictured Jesus for a long time.
when i was younger my brother told me that if i left my old shoes on the front porch an ostrich would come by and replace them with a new pair
I use to believe that a "Prima Donna" was "Pre-Madonna" - someone before Madonna's time.
I used to believe that cars with red lights had to drive on the right side of the road and that cars with white lights had to drive on the left side of the road. It didn't occur to me that all cars have red lights in back and white lights in front.
I thought that the women who drove the bookmobile actually wrote all of the books on the shelves.
Until I was about 12 I used to think that Jay walking meant you crossed the road naked. My mom used to say naked as a jay bird so I just assumed that's what it meant. I could never figure out why people would want to cross the road with no clothes on.
I used to think clouds were mashed potatoes in the sky.
When I was little, I thought all shows were live and when they played commercials, they were deciding what to do next in the show.
I thought the reason the police had batons and tasers was in case they had to fight a criminal who was immune to bullets!
When I was little, I thought people voted by putting out candidates' signs on their lawn. I thought if you put out more signs than you were voting more, and I didn't understand why we only put out 2.
I used to beleive that when women were breast feeding their babies, the babies were in fact blowing air into their mother's breasts. I was kind of disgusted how can a woman use her baby to make her breast bigger.
When my mom would buy pillows or lawn furniture, there would be a tag attached to it, saying "Do not remove, under penalty of law". I thought that if I tore it off, an alarm would go off at police headquarters, and they would come to my house and arrest me. One time I actually tore one off, then went to my room and sat on my bed, waiting for the police to show up.
I used to think when I was clumsy it was because one leg was longer than the other because I was growing. Thanks Dad!
I used to think we spoke German at home because it was our own made-up language. In school we spoke English, the normal language, and other families had different languages that they had invented.
As a thoughtful and intelligent little boy around age five or so during Christmas, I one day approached my Mother and asked, "Whose story is Rudolf in?" My Mom, perplexed, asked what in heavens did I mean. I replied logically, "The song keeps saying 'You'll go down in his story': whose story does he go down in?!"