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I Used To Believe newsletter: July 2004

hi,

everyone's confused about hair this month - do people lose it behind the sofa, or does it fall out when you kiss someone's head? it's certainly a tell-tale sign of an alien impersonating your grandmother. maybe charity's got it? all these and more at http://iusedtobelieve.com .

see you next month,

mat.

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I believed that I was the only one in the world that could conjure up a mouthful of water at will (turns out it was saliva). I told my mother I would never have to drink water again because I made my own.
Anon

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As a child, after seeing an anti-drug commercial in which an egg was scrambled, the person said "This is your brain on drugs." One morning, my Aunt asked what I wanted for breakfast, I replied, "brains on drugs."
Kevin

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I used to think that braces were decorations for your teeth and that they had to drill holes in your teeth to install them.
Anon

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When I was 5 I was really into Bruce Lee. I asked my dad how he died, as clearly the man was invincible. My Dad said that Bruce Lee was at a ceremony to meet the Queen and saluted, knocking himself on the forehead and killing himself outright. Needless to say, martial arts was obviously a dangerous skill to have. Not long after, I saw the Queen on TV laughing. I thought she was heartless, didn't she realise the part she'd played in the death of Bruce Lee?!
Barnaby

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When I was little I once saw the word "stripper" and asked my babysitter what it meant. She said that it was a woman who takes off all her clothes layer by layer, and for the longest time I imagined that strippers wore bulky winter clothing with lots of layers for their routines.
Anon

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When I was little I used to think that Charity was a woman who wanted everything for herself. I always thought it was weird that people kept giving things away to Charity when she already had all this stuff!
Cara

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I used to think that "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea" was a story about an awful lot of sports being played under the sea, since there were 20,000 leagues there, in the story.
Hayley

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My aunt told me that if you whirl round and round, you ultimately will be able to see the back of your head. I threw up at least 3 times trying.
caveman

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When I was only a few years old I saw a bald man and asked my mother where his hair was as I never recalled seeing a bald person before this, and she told me he had lost his hair, so for several years after that I believed that anyone who had "lost their hair" had a wig of their hair hiding behind their stereo or under a chair in their house and they just couldn't find it, and I always wanted to go home with them to help look for it.
Glampire

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When I was little I used to have the habit of sticking my hand up inside vending machines, trying to reach the candy. One day my mom told me that I shouldn't stick my arm up into the machine, because there were little men inside who dispensed the candy, and if I put my arm up inside far enough, they would grab me, pull me in, and I would forever spend my life as a vending machine worker. To this day (I'm 22 now) I still have to get someone to reach into the vending machine pockets to fish out whatever I purchase.
Mufkin

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i remember when i was 3 or 4 i hated going into carwashes. i thought the water would flood the car and make it explode, leaving the big brushes (i thought they were alive at the time) to kill you!
reese fulla

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I used to believe that an 'air guitar' was another word for a banjo. I have no idea why I believed this, but it led to much confusion whenever my family and I saw someone busking on the street with a banjo.
Chay

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I still, after all of these years, remember the time my Nan rinsed her silver hair with a shade of blue. I also remember thinking that she was an alien replacement that looked very 'human' but forgot to get 'human' hair. I think it took a couple of days and a lot of convincing from my Mum to believe that it was really my Nan.
Lauren

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I used to believe that all you had to do to get pregnant was to kiss a man while you were naked under the sheets. Then the next day you had to eat a lot of food to get your stomach fat, and make sure that you eat a lot of animal body parts like turkey necks, chicken legs, an entire turkey for the body, pig lips, peas for eyes, chicken feet for feet, finger food for fingers, and so on. But that always left me wondering how vegetarians became pregnant.
NewOrleansgirl

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When I went to an aquarium I was really excited and couldn't wait to find see my favourite type of fish. I burst into tears when I found out that my favourite type of fish, fish fingers, weren't actually a breed of fish.
Emma

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When I was little, I believed that when I went to school, my pet cats went to a kitty school. so when I'd get home, I always asked them how their day was and what they learned.
Becca

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I baby-sit this little boy (about 5) and he was looking at my chest one day. After staring for a few awkward moments, he said, "What are those cushions on your chest?" "Well they're things only girls get." "You mean I'll never get them..." He then looked very disappointed. "I want them, because I fall a lot, and they would make it hurt less. Except I would definitely want mine to be bigger than yours." I tried exceptionally hard not to laugh.
babysitting moments

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My grandmother told me when I was a small child that the reason my grandfather did not have hair was because every time she kissed him he lost a hair. I would not let my grandmother kiss me until I was much older.
Michelle

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I used to think that everyone in my family were really skeletons wearing human costumes and when I went out of the room they'd take off their people-suits and put them back on when I came back. Being afraid of skeletons I'd announce my arrival and give them enough time to get into their people-suits. I was afraid of getting older because I thought once I reached a certain age they'd tell me I also was a skeleton in a human costume.
Glampire

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When I was a toddler, my mother had a pet goldfish named "Ronnie." The poor fish met its demise when I poured dish soap in its bowl, "trying to help Ronnie blow bubbles."
Maeghan Jade

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