I Used To Believe newsletter: May 2013
This month we're particularly tickled by two new species of animals we've discovered: glove-compartment weasels and the very well documented and researched haggis (your local variety may vary).
Kindergarten was the first time I ever saw a white board. I didn't know what it was. So, when my teacher took a marker and started writing on the board I told her she was being bad and shouldn't write on the walls.
When I was about 5 I believed people didn't stop growing, so when I was told my great gran was in her 90s I thought she'd be taller than a house
I was about 4 years old on a boat trip round a harbour when the tour guide pointed some big old ships moored at the side of the harbour explaining that the boats were "being run with just a Skeleton Crew". I turned to my dad an exclaimed,"Eugh, imagine having to step over all those dead bodies"
Growing up in a non-religious household, as a little kid, I'd sometimes see ads for religious counseling numbers on television. I somehow got the impression that these were numbers with which to directly call God on the phone.
In 3rd grade we were given an assignment to write about what we'd do if we'd won $10,000. I had grand plans about traveling the world, owning a fleet of airplanes and cruise ships, living in mansions with servants and never having to work again.
I use to really believe in the gold at the end of a rainbow myth. One time during a house party I saw a rainbow and I urged my mother to drive me there. She didn't know what I was talking about but she drove me to the other side of the neighborhood. Imagine my surprise when I find no leprechaun waiting there at all.
I used to believe that people dream because they have little TV screens on the inside of their eyelids.
I used to believe your throats had a bunch of sharp bony parts that cut up the food as it fell down. For some reason I never thought that chewing did the same thing.
They were building a new road and round-a-bout near our house when I was little. I asked my dad when they were going to put the horses on. Having not had a car and not much experience with round-a-bouts, my 4 year old self was convinced they were randomly place fairground carousels.
There was an older kid at our school who was friends with me and my group of friends, and once when we were eating candy he told us what his mother apparently told him, but he must have misunderstood a little. He said that if you eat healthy, you grow bigger, so if you eat bad food, you slowly get smaller... I was really scared I would eventually be microscopic, but luckily his mom was with us once and corrected him.
Both my mum and I used to believe that people couldn't live beyond 100: obviously you could die of old age before then, but 100 years was the automatic cut-off point. I just believed that when you fell asleep after your 100th birthday, you'd automatically die. Mum used to believe that the entire old lady, rocking-chair included, ascended to heaven in a column of light.
I used to believe that weasels routinely nested in the glove compartments of cars.
Haggis is a real animal. They live on hill sides in Scotland, they have two legs shorter on one side so they can stand up straight and not roll down, some have adjacent sides shorter so they can face their friends.The leaders have tartan fur so they all know who the boss haggis is. Thanks dad! My sister carried on believing this till she was 24!!!
Once when I was little, my family was on a hike in the woods, when I giant bug jumped on my arm and was looking right at me. I started screaming and swatting at it and whatnot. After it was gone, my mom said, "It only jumped on you because it thought you were pretty." I was young enough that I believed her 100%. Then I felt really bad, because I figured if it jumped on me because it thought I was pretty, and I started screaming about how ugly it was, I must have hurt it's feelings. I felt guilty about it for weeks.
I'm sorry, bug
I once asked my dad why the police can't catch the robbers since the stripy tops, black masks and swag bag give them away. Obviously all burglars where this attire all the time!
When I was younger I used to think that cash back meant the shopkeeper would give you free money and I never understood why my mum would say 'no thank you'
When I was younger I had a trundle bed that had a second pull out bed below it. I was convinced that the Grinch lived in the extra bed and if I hung my hand or foot off the bed while I was asleep he would pull me under. The Grinch wasn't just going to steal Christmas, he was going to steal me too.
My dad would say "Go to buggery" when he was mad (its an aussie expression, means get lost, or screw you). I'd ask him where that is. He said it was far away, but I decided buggery was just down the road where there was a grumpy old lady who would yell at us. Sometimes he told us to go to buggery and I'd run down the street and sit in front of her house.
My mom always told me that she could see everything I was doing because she had eyes on the back of her head. One day as we were leaving preschool I held up my hand and asked her how many fingers I was holding up. She guessed the correct number, two, and I was convinced. Looking back, I think she might have just seen my reflection on the window of the door we were using.
JFK was elected when I was 4. When I was 8, which was after JFK was assassinated I surprised my parents by talking about "Elect Kennedy" as if "Elect" was his first name. When asked why I would refer to him that way, I explained that his name was "President Elect Kennedy". So, of course his first name must be "Elect" or why would they call him that?