I Used To Believe newsletter: September 2003
hi,
it's been a month of childhood delusions about god and farting (although none have featured both, thankfully). here are the best twenty beliefs submitted to the site in the last month. look out for the hallowe'en special in the next newsletter!
mat.
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I used to believe that the purpose of a "wake" when someone died was one last attempt at trying to wake them up from the deep sleep that they were in. It confused me because at my grandfather's wake everyone spoke quietly, how would talking quietly wake them up? I just figured that he was a light sleeper.
He's Only Sleeping
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God was a smiling fat man with glasses and a white lab coat, whose favourite food was oranges. Why oranges? They were shaped like the Earth, of course. I also believed that if I were even better behaved than an angel, I could become a God too and marry Jesus. As a deity-in-training, needless to say, I ate a lot of oranges back then.
Ana Byrd
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Confused after learning of the Civil War, I asked my mom what "civil" meant. She said it was where people were nice to each other. So I pictured the Civil War as a period where people were always smiling, shaking hands, complimenting each other, etc. I justified the "war" part of the phrase by the idea that it was a niceness competition, and they thought "war" sounded cooler than "competition".
still not good at history
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After a long car trip when I was about six, my older sister and I both had to pee quite badly and raced to our bathroom. She told me that if I peed before her the water would turn to acid and burn her, so she had to go first. I believed her and let her go while I danced around in front of the door. It didn't occur to me until a few days later that pee was pee, no matter whose it was.
tinklebell
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My mom told me if you farted in bed your feet would turn brown.
Tracy
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When I was a child, i used to believe, for possibly over two or three years, and with certainty, that God was none other than the Michelin Man. I never knew he was made of tyres, I thought he was white and shaped like he was 'cos he was made from clouds, and I knew they used to say God was high above. I watched him on the TV and imagined playing soccer with him.
Mike Henley
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i used to believe that you could move your hair (like you move your muscles) to style it, and i thought my hair muscle was paralyzed because i couldnt get my hair to move.
casey
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When I was about 6 years old I accidentally swallowed a shell casing for a 22 size bullet. My mother told me that if I fell down I would explode so my brother & sisters wouldn't play with me for a couple of days because they were afraid I'd explode.
Pamela
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My mum told me that after 6pm Ice-Cream vans only sold alcohol, cigarettes and newspapers - so there was no point asking for lollies when they came around in the evening..... cow
FLETCH
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My dad told me when I was a kid that Ringo Starr (Beatles Drummer) had a big nose because he used to drum with his drumsticks sticking out of his nose. I told all my friends in the street this and we believed it!
vstar
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When I was a little boy, my mom was VERY health conscious. In the grocery store, I asked my mom to buy some Kool Aid. She refused, saying that it was bad for your teeth. I said, "Then why do they even MAKE it?". She said, "For people who want their teeth to rot." I took her 100% literally and was horrified to think that there were people in the world who actually WANTED their teeth to rot and would buy a product specifically made for that purpose!
Joe
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When I was quite young (couldn't have been over 3 or 4) we watched a documentary on black holes with Stephen Hawking in it. This was before he had his robo-chair, so he simply spoke the best he could at the time and was subtitled. Now my sister and I both couldn't read at this time, so we were put off by this, and one of us asked why he spoke that way. "It's because a black hole sucked out his voice," Dad joked. My sister and I believed him.
Pink
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When I was young, I used to believe that if you watched colour TV, your eyes would drop out. Thanks Dad! You just didn't want the expense of renting a colour set!
David Townson
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My aunt who is a highly intelligent 46 year old medical journalist, booked a cycling holiday in New Zealand because she thought the entire Southern Hemisphere was flat. This was 3 or four years ago.
Kate
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I used to believe my mom kept a lizard in her purse that would bite me if I got into it.
Anon
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I used to think that if you left the taps on for too long the sea would run out.
fletch
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When my brother was little he used to believe that all the mushrooms in the world were evil and waging some sort of a personal war against him.
One day my brother walked to a large, flat stone in the middle of our lawn. Then he noticed that the stone was actually surrounded by tiny fungi, panicked and started to cry. After some time my mom heard him and she had to carry him off the stone because he couldn't walk over the mushrooms again.
One another time he had a very high fever. He was delirious and thought that his whole blanket was covered with fungi.
My brother still doesn't want to have anything to do with mushrooms.
Minna P”ntinen
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When I was a kid my dad once tried to explain to me that the fictional Santa Claus wasn't real by telling me that He was in fact the one leaving the presents for me. After this I assumed my dad was in fact THE Santa Claus. I remember being so proud to have Santa Claus as my father!
Saint Nick's daughter
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My mom had two cousins who convinced her that they could see farts. My mom could never find them so her cousins would draw pictures of them. The farts were perfect ovals and they were clear-ish and had smiley faces. It took her about 30 years to realize her cousins were lying.
Fart Faces
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I used to believe that the Lord's prayer included the line 'Harold be your name' - in fact that's how everyone in my infant school used to say it in assembly, so I know this belief is common to at least a few hundred other people.
Anon
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