religion

I used to believe…

When I was little, my neighbor told me that God was powerful enough to change me from a girl to a boy overnight. That totally scared me. After that, for a couple of years I used to wake up to check and see if I was changed into a boy. I resented God even though that never happened!

I used to believe that the priests were married to the nuns. I couldn't understand why they had no children. I alos thought the pastor could have done a lot better than mother superior.

I used to believe…

Not mine, but my husband's -- and not that long ago. He cracked up the choir during a church service by singing "There is a bomb in Goliad!" Considering that a very important battle during the Texas war for independence from Mexico was fought at Goliad, he did have a point.

I used to believe…

One time in sunday school, they were asking what song we wanted to sing. Well there is a song called "Father Abraham". Well, I never knew the songs name and I told them I wanted to sing "Father Lincoln" thinking it was named for the president.

I used to believe…

When my son was little he came back from church and said that they had sung his favourite hymn about the drains. I asked him to sing the song to me and he sang 'Guard our drains, guard our drains' instead of 'Our God reigns, our Gods reigns'.

I used to believe…

When my daughter was learning her prayers in parochial school, her homework was to practice reciting them. I was in stitiches when she spoke of the "Holy Spearmint", "Jesus, Mary, and Jophesine" (her grandmother's name is Josephine and she pronounced that backwards too!), and "Hail Mary, full of...full of...Mom, what's she full of?"

I'll never forget the day I learned that the correct wording in the prayer was "and let perpetual light shine upon them". For years I'd been asking God to "let the petrol light shine upon them".

I used to believe…

When I was really young the Bee Gee's were HUGE. After seeing Andy Gibb in a video, complete with long hair and beard, I thought he was Jesus. I asked my mom if he was Jesus and she vehemently insisted he wasn't. I didn't beleive my mom cause I always thought Jesus was cool and if he wanted to be in a musical group he could be.

I used to believe…

In Catholic Sunday school, when I was seven, I finally managed to ask the nun what a thywoom was, as in "blessed is the fruit of thywoom Jesus". I recall it took a while to straighten out the syntax of the phrase, but I was still kind of hazy about what a womb was. Eventually, the nun explained that it was the place where Jesus came from, and I was OK with that. I distinctly remember the nun's clenched teeth during the explanation. I think that the only reason she didn't smack me was because I came from a mixed Catholic-Protestant family and had one foot in Hell anyway.

I used to believe…

Because we lived close to the church my family attended, I always thought that people everywhere went to whatever church was closest to them -- kind of like school districts but for churches.

I used to believe…

When I was 3 or 4, I learned in Sunday School that God is the Father. I took this literally and belived that God was my father, being too young to understand the theological implications of such a thing. Once I got upset with my "earth Dad" and told him that he wasn't my real Daddy. I'd imagine that it sparked an interesting conversation between my parents until they figured out I was just confused rather than alerting him to Mom's infidelity with another man.

I used to believe…

We used to go to the church that my great-grandparents did, but I don't know which denomination it was - one Easter, the Sunday School class had to fidget through the actual sermon, as we were old enough to do the Communion ritual... when it came my turn, I took a sip of the wine and said
"Who put beer in the Welch's Grape Juice?" I was about 6.
Since this was followed by the usual embarrassed adult silence, I spent many years believing that God always put beer into grape juice as part of the Adult ceremony.
I also used to believe that God would
kill you unless you sang slow, dirging mournful hymns. But you had to sing all the verses. I used to be so scared for everybody in my church because they didn't want to sing all the verses of "The Old Rugged Cross", and most times picked joyful songs - Somehow I had gotten the impression that God hated everybody and only liked them if they were miserable.

I used to believe…

as a kid, i had trouble with the idea of the holy trinity. i just couldn't wrap my head around the idea of the father, the son, and the holy ghost all being different manifestations of the same being. i just always thought that if you had a little problem, you should pray to jesus. if you had a big problem, then you should go to big guy.

god didn't want to be bothered with my crushes and silly girlhood fears and insecurities. those were jesus's territory. no, god should only be asked to get involved if it were something major, like a test i hadn't studied for.

i had no idea what the holy ghost was there for.

I used to believe…

My Mom could never figure out who Round John was. As in Round John, Virgin Mother and Child. Or rather as it should be Round yond Virgin, Mother and Child from Silent Night

I used to believe…

when i was a little girl i believed that the veils on a nun's habit were nailed to their heads and that they were all bald underneath it and that they slept in it and never took it off! that is what my brother told me. at religious instructions class i asked a nun if it hurt when they pounded the nails in. she took me aside into a cloak room and took off the veil to reveal her beautiful long hair

I used to believe…

For those of you who have experienced the Catholic Religion, you know that Communion is presented as "the body of Christ." As a small child, I was horrified at the notion that people would actually "eat" Christ, and refused to participate...Of course, I was also curious about how they got His body formed into such neat little white round wafers.

I used to believe…

When, in a Roman Catholic Sunday service the alter-boy rang a bell to signify "altering-of-water-to-wine", I believed that it was actually a MAGIC sound from God Himself.

It wasnt until I grew up (and luckily became an athiest) that I learned otherwise.