religion

I used to believe…

Around Easter, I would always become suspicious of gravy boats and what was in th bottom of them. We would sing "Low in the grave he lay. Jesus our savior".

I thought it was "Low in the gravy lay.....".

I used to think iI had a "piece of plastic, piece of plastic, down in my heart to stay"

The real words are "peace that passes understanding"

(still looking for a "round young virgin")

I used to believe…

When I was small, I LOVED peanut butter and jelly. SO, I suppose it was no small wonder that when I was saying my prayers one night, my mother stopped me and asked me to repeat what I had said.

"God is Grape, God is Good," I said.

It has had enormous impact on my theology ever since I discovered that God was not an enormous jar of grape jelly.

Honest. This is a true story.

I used to believe…

When i was little, my parents would tell me to be good because my uncle was in Heaven with Jesus and they could see everything I did. So, I would always grab a towel and cover up with it whenever I would go to the bathroom or change so that they couldn't see me naked.

I used to believe Mr. Rogers lived in my church.

I used to believe…

My daughter thought the phrase "for the good of all His church" was "for the good of Falls Church" (a town in Virginia) and couldn't understand why even in other cities, they would pray for Falls Church!

I used to believe…

My sister and I used to cut across someone's lawn on our way to piano lessons. She convinced me it was okay because the Lord's prayer clearly says, "forgive us our trespasses."

I used to believe…

When I was a child growing up in the Baptist church we sang a song call "Bringing in the Sheeves", I thought it was "Bringing in the Sheets", and all I could think of was my mother bringing the clothes in off the line and it certainly didn't make her rejoice to bring the sheets.

I used to believe…

when I was little, in the first grade, I thought the nuns weren't human, they were just 'beings' with arms, feet and a head, who wore weird 'hats' and long black dresses. I was tramatized one day when the skirt of one of the nuns was lifted by the wind, SHE HAD LEGS!

I used to believe…

When I was a kid, my family lived 5 miles from Cheyenne Mountain, home of Norad. At 8 or 9 I had a lot of fear about nuclear war because we knew we were one of the first targets and we had air raid drills (not duck and cover) at school. Since my mom worked, I was afraid we kids would be home alone in piles of grey, flaky fallout. I asked Mom if the Russians dropped The Bomb, how would she get home from work to get us? I found her reply very comforting: "Don't worry, honey, if they drop the bomb, we'll all be instantly vaporized and we'll meet up in heaven."

I thought it was against the law not to go to church, and even more so if you were a kid. So I was deathly afraid that someone would lock up my family one day if we were discovered.

I used to believe…

Around age 6 my friend and I firmly believed that G-d would supply anything on demand, if only you knew how to ask. One evening playing in the snow, we wanted to ascertain whether a pile of snow contained a core of ice or not. We drove a large wooden stick down thru it but couldn't tell if it hit ice or the ground first. Since it was too dark to see, we asked G-d for a flashlight. When none arrived, we figured we had asked Him incorrectly and promptly corrected our mistake by adding "Dear G-d" and "amen". When the needed flashlight still failed to fall from the sky, we agreed that He must have been too busy.

I used to believe…

As a preschooler I used to believe that if we went to heaven when we died, we lived in heaven before we were born. I went around telling my friends that I went around heaven saying good-bye to Mary, Joseph, and Jesus before I was born and telling them I would see them later when I died.

I used to believe I could just "dial" god's number on the palm of my hand and it would make my twin sister and brother mind for me (I always had to babysit them).

I used to believe…

When I was young I thought I was the anti-christ. The number of the anti-christ was 666. I added up the number of letters in each of my names and came up with 777. I thought for sure that somewhere in the translations of the bible someone had made a mistake.

I used to believe…

As a lover of animals, one time in church I was quite excited by the sermon because my mis-understanding of the minister who I swore said 'Gladly, the cross-eyed bear'