religion

When I was 8 and having my first communion, my mom put a white veil on me and I protested, saying "But this is for marrying. I'm not getting married."
Mom said "You're marrying God." Now I realize she just mean that this would make me closer to god but at the time it sounded awful. I got so upset and started crying saying "I don't wanna marry God." I thought that first communion meant you really actually married God, and you never got to fall in love with anyone else.

Due to hearing something wrong after asking a question (asking why god needed our tithes since he could poof some dollar bills into existence), for a long while I thought that after Jesus supposedly resurrected, he moved to new york and lived in some insanely expensive apartment. I had basically zero understanding of time or anything, so this made sense at the time- all I knew about Christianity was God made the universe, became Jesus, died and resurrected.

When I was little, there's was a carved portrait of St. Martin de Porres on a particular wall in my room. I used to think that the guy in the carved portrait was actually what God looked like. So, to me, God was a black man wearing white robes. However, I had a kid's Bible of the white Jesus variety (to those who still don't know: Jesus was a Middle Eastern man, what with being a Palestinian Jew and all) so I thought Jesus and all other characters from the Bible were actually legitimately pink people with funny noses. Thus, the Holy Trinity: black God, pink Jesus, and a white dove for the Holy Spirit.

I used to believe God was real.

When I was five, we sang a hymn in the school hall every Friday and one of the hymns said "tell me who made the world" - I thought 'tellmewho' was the name of a person and that this person made the world, lol! Later on I thought Tellmewho was another name for God... I was seven when I realised "tell me who" is three separate words!!

When I was little I used to believe that thunder was God moving his furniture, when it rained God was crying, when it snowed God was mopping his floors and lightning was the light switch going on and off in heaven.

When I was a little kid I though that the idea of hell was very satisfying, I legitimately wanted to go to hell. Actually, I was so obsessed with Satan and hell that I would draw pictures of hell, and listen to slayer. I look back at my weird self and laugh, but in all actuality, a kid who is a satanist is pretty rad.

Because of all those fat Buddha images (which, by the way, don't depict the actual Buddha), I used to believe that Buddhism was all about gaining weight. Ironically, I've ended up becoming a Buddhist myself - and I'm still skinny!

For a long time after I had the Sunday school lesson on "God formed Adam from the dust of the earth" I thought parents made their babies out of dirt and the color of the dirt used was how skin color was determined

Before I was born my parents had a "painter" paint a mural in my room of angels. For some reason this marvelous painter painted a bunch of little angels with 6 fingers on each hand. As I grew up I thought it was a common known fact that all Angels had 6 fingers.

When my parents told me that I would go to Heaven if I died, I thought that they would drive my dead body to Heaven in a car and drop me off there, and I would come back to life as soon as I arrived.

In Sunday school, we sang "Lord of the Dance" and I thought it said that "he danced for the tribes of the Cherokees". I had no idea what Scribes and Pharasees were.I was singing it this way one time, and someone asked me if I was Mormon.I wasn't, and was very confused.

I used to believe in the three wise men. Each January 5th during the night my father sneaked into my room and left gifts under my bed. When I woke up I found the presents and ran to my parents room very happy and astonished. My father always told me that the three wise men left those presents for me, and he used to plant some evidence to reinforce that, as for example footprints, a garment or even a crown.

When I was 7-8, I knew I was an exceptionally good kid, living in the Bible belt where church/religion was a prominent piece of our culture. I remember going entire days without sinning (as clearly there was no sin in being self absorbed). So the real question, and what I was really aiming for, was whether the book of the Bible that would be named after me should be called the "Book of Cindy" or the "Book of Cynthia?"

I used to believe in God.

I used to believe that if an ice cream truck drove too quickly or didn't play music, that it was being driven by the Devil and that if I tried to buy ice cream from him then he would kidnap me.