religion

i used to beleive that mary mother of god, each year on christmas give a birth to a new jesus and sometimes i wondered maybe this year she would give birth to a girl.
(sorry mary)

I used to believe…

When I was about 5 we were taken to church for the first time, in Russian the word church sounds pretty similar to circus, so, I was convinced (and convinced my younger brother), that we were in a circus. When a dead person was brought in, I thought (and, again, explained to my brother) that it was a wounded person from war (what war, I wonder?), finally, when we were given the crosses and told to never show them to anybody (dad was in the Army, and those were times of the Soviet Union, being religious and, worse, going to church might cause serious trouble for him), we actually thought those were tiny swards, and we fought with them in the street, and told our friends that we were given the little swards in the circus...

I was raised as a Christian and I had heard of Christians being jokingly refered to as Bible Bashers.
At age 3, I though it meant that all you had to do to convert someone to Christianity was to hit them with a Bible.
Thus, I repeatedly beat the cat with my copy of the Gideon's to prevent her from going to hell.

I used to believe…

My Dad's Christian teachings led me to believe that demons were everywhere.
If I sinned in the slightest way (even thinking about doing something naughty counted) the demons would possess me and I would go to hell.
However, I though I could "get out of it" if I could see a light.
This made it difficult at night, as I would lay awake for hours staring at a distant street light.
I convinced my sister that this was true.

I used to believe…

My extremely religious grandmother used to say when one of us did something bad, "The Devil's on your shoulder!" I would try to turn my head to see him too but I was never fast enough. I went around believing there was a mini-Satan on one of my shoulders counterbalanced by a mini-Jesus on the other, waging a personal struggle for my soul. I was afraid the devil might be winning since he was the one Grandma saw. Scary. The only consolation was that he seemed to spend even more time on my cousin Robbie's shoulder.

I used to believe…

In our Baptist church we sang a hymn with a lively chorus that went "Rolled away, rolled away, I am happy all my burdens rolled away" which my little cousin misunderstood as--and sang with great enthusiasm-- "I am happy all the burglars rolled away!"

I believed going in front the church meant I was going to be married. Thus, when my mom brought our whole family up to light the advent wreath, I screamed, "I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED" and ran off.

I used to believe…

Iin the Christmas song, Hark the herald angels sing, when they say in excelsis deo, I used to think that they were singing Inn at Chelsie's stable, seeing as there was no room in any other inn, so they had to stay at the Inn in Chelsie's stable!

I used to believe in church that when the pastor prayed and everyone would close their eyes Jesus would appear. Of course I would try and peek really fast in hopes of catching him on stage or something. I still haven't seen him. I guess everyone just won't close their eyes! ;-)

I used to believe…

When I was a little girl, I believed that Jesus' ENTIRE lifespan was from Christmas Day (when he was born) until Good Friday (when he died)...all in the same year. He had one busy year!

I used to believe…

In the Christmas song "Joy To The World" I thought the words were: Let every heart prepare Him a room.
It made sense to me because I knew the story where there was no room at the Inn for Joseph and Mary.

I used to believe…

When I was little I was constantly afraid of being possessed by the devil, so every day on my way home from school I went into our neighborhood church for a few seconds to reassure myself that the devil is not inside me; because I figured that if I really was possessed then entering the church would make me burn.

I used to believe…

In Sunday school before I made my first communion, the nuns told us about God, the Supreme Being, in contrast us human beings. But I heard it as "bean" and for some time pictured God as a giant lima bean in the sky with all us human beans clustered under him in worship.

I used to believe…

When I was young when ever I heard the Christmas song Away in a Manger, I thought the Noel Noel chorus, meant that that the baby Jesus had no well, and therefore had no water to drink. I felt very sad for him.

I used to believe…

When I was little, my mother used to watch Unsolved Mysteries all the time, with the host, Robert Stack. For some reason I got it in my head that God was his twin. Probably because he was so old and venerable and had a scary voice. (The theme music also terrified me.) Now, even to this day, if I have to picture what God looks like, he often looks like Robert Stack.

I used to believe…

After reading a label on a small bottle of Holy Water, I thought it could bring my dead grandfather back to life. I didn't dare try it though, I guess I was too scared. I only realized it a few years later after reading the label again.

I used to believe…

My mum kept asking me "who made you?" possibly meaning for me to say God! I eventually answered "the baker" I imagined the crazy Swedish chef from the muppet show ( known to me as the baker) actually made me in his kitchen with a wooden spoon and a bowl. He was my favourite muppet!

I used to go to a catholic church when I was younger, and when they would pass out the baskets to take up the money, when they where done, they would go down the center isle that was closed from people going inside.

When the doors closed I thought inside was a giant machine with all these mechanical objects that buzzed, blinked and whirred , that would teleport all the money to heaven for god. The way the money got to his is by a giant light that carried the money all the way up.