religion

I used to believe…

In a Presbyterian sunday school at the age of 8 or 9, I learned a hymn whose lyrics went:

[i]The Church's one foundation is Jesus Christ, our Lord.
She is the true creation of water and the Word.
From Heaven he came and sought her to be his holy bride.
With his own blood he bought her, and for her life he died.[/i]

The doctrines proposed in this text were rather unlike anything I had heard before. I gathered that Jesus was married, even if Jesus' wife's name was not preserved by history. Jesus came down from Heaven to marry her. Jesus' wife was created from water, no doubt by a process similar to Eve's creation from Adam's rib. Jesus' watery wife did something bad that Jesus took the rap for when he was crucified.

I used to believe…

wheni was 5 my mom told me god was everywhere and everything so i used to talk to the trees and walls etc. for hours

I used to believe that God was always sitting in a big chair on cloud and I thought rain was God's urine, snow was God's shit(?) and of course thunder... was God's fart. Jehovah is vast! ;)

I used to believe…

When I was younger I would say my prayers, and then I would sit an imagine god examining my prayers. I pictured him saying to himself "What a good prayer" or "what a good girl she is..I'm sending her a pony."

I used to believe…

When I was a teenager, I asked my friend what religion she was (she had recently moved from Pakistan to Canada). She told me "Ismaili", but, not having heard of that religion before, I heard "Smiley". I rsponded, "That's so cute!" In retrospect, that came off condescending and horrible, and I'm terribly embarrassed. I sincerely hope she doesn't remember.

I used to think that God looked liked the bubbleman off of the pink bubblebath bottle(Mr. Bubbleman)LOL

I used to believe that the devil lived underneath movie theaters! lol wierd i know

I use to believe that good was driving on the milky way and get the milk for him self.

And he was driving in big dipper Because in danish is name Karlsvognen that means Karls wagon.

i used to believe that after you died that you would see god in heaven and help him out with the world!

I used to believe…

When I was five or six and going to Catholic school, I believed that Communion was like the story of the fishes and the loaves. The priest would reach into a small box behind the alter and, miraculously, there would be enough Communion wafers for everyone on a tray.

I used to believe…

When my cousin was 5 or 6, he made a wonderful discovery. After learning two things:
1. A long time ago, God created men to look like himself
2. A long time ago, men were monkeys

he put 2 and 2 together, and decided that God must be a monkey.

I used to think the words to "Amazing Grace" were "that saved a wrench like me" instead of "that saved a wretch like me". I wasn't quite sure what it meant to be a wrench and I didn't figure out the real words until my mom told me - after I'd sung the wrong words solo in front of my grandparents!

I used to go to CCD (Sunday School). We would sit in the church area at the beginning of it with the teachers and the priest. My friends and I would sit in the front row because we liked not having to look over people's heads, also because we felt special. (But that's not the point.) Well, the priest would stand up front and usually talk to everyone. One day I raised my hand and asked him "Where is the real Jesus?" He responded, "What?" I then said "Well, in our church, we have a fake Jesus. Where is the REAL Jesus hanging up?" He still didn't understand, got angry and ignored me.
As you can see, I was refering to in the front of churches there are the big crosses with Jesus on it (Where the priest talks and stuff). I wanted to know in what church was the real Jesus hanging up in. I had a few more thoughts about this concept. One of them being it would smell bad in that church because he would be really old and have not taken a shower in a while (not to mention, he'd be dead).
Kids are funny.

I used to believe…

When I was a kid, I was watching an episode of Starsky and Hutch and there was a prostitute in it. I wasn't exactly sure what a prostitute was but I thought it was a something to do with religion, maybe the opposite of a Catholic? I asked my Gran "What's a prostitute" and her jaw dropped open with shock before she eventully said "A prostitute is a very naughty girl". I couldn't understand it - surely people who went to church a lot weren't naughty?

I used to believe…

For no apparent reason, I used to envision heaven as a series of rooms connected by tunnels. In the biggest room, God sat in a throne and Jesus sat at his right side. In the corner of the room, there was a trap door where dead bodies would come from Earth. Worker angels would pile the bodies up in stacks, then later come back and zap them with afterlife. Then they would turn into angels and float around through the tunnels. I didn't really look forward to heaven.

I used to believe…

He is exalted the king is exalted on high,

was sung
he is exhausted the king is exhausted oh my!

And in the hymn
"He only can unlock the gate"
I used to feel sorry for Him, thinking that bit wasn't a very good job to have and that it was sad that that was all he could do.