religion

I used to believe…

At Catholic mass, I used to believe that the priest would make spikes come out of the seats if you didn't stand up on time. He could also make a giant buzz saw cut your head off if you did not kneel.

I was raised Catholic but just couldn't understand the whole Confession thing when I became old enough to go. My catechism teacher and I had the following discussion.

Me: So I tell the priest what I did, he gives me a penance, and I'm forgiven?
Teacher: Yes
Me: But God already knows what I did, right?
Teacher: Yes
Me: So if I wasn't REALLY sorry for what I did, God would know, right?
Teacher: Yes
Me: But the priest wouldn't know if I wasn't sorry at all, would he?
Teacher: No, he wouldn't.
Me: So if the priest doesn't know if I'm sorry or not but God does, then how am I forgiven just for saying 3 Hail Mary's?
Teacher: Go sit down.

I thought, until very recently (I'm 25), that "Hail" in "Hail Mary" was her title, part of her name. Hail in portuguese, my 1st language, sounds like "bird". So I thought that somehow she was represented as a bird, since it was her title.

I used to believe…

For the longest time, I believed that if my mom wasn't my mom, that Mary (the mother of Jesus) would have been my mom, and she would have been 'Angela, the mother of Jesus'.

I used to think (and kind of still do) that when you die, you fly up an elevator to Heaven (floor 100) and you would be led to a room with computers. There you could scroll down until you found the form of life you liked. Then you would be that, and start over. (You couldn't be a thing more than once) And when you have been everything, you grow wings and go to either Heaven or Hell, where you meet eternal happiness (I have pictured people sitting on chairs perched on clouds reading newspapers and drinking coffee) or torture (bowling with your head)

I used to believe…

When i was younger, i was confused about this whole heaven thing.
I asked my mom and she said, when you get to heaven you can have anything you want, whenever you want!
So i pictured myself as..i dont know
Picture someone on an island under a tiki roof thing with servants fanning you with leaves and another servant coming up with a silver platter with a turkey on top.
Thats what i thought heaven was.

I used to believe…

During the early 1980's I attended a Catholic pre-school. We would always say the "God is Great" prayer before eating lunch. When we reached the part of the prayer thanking God for "gift's so great", I was sure Sister was saying "thank you God for disco great"! Move over John Travolta!

I used to believe…

If you were good and went to Heaven you would get all your broke and lost toys back fixed and shiney, but if you were bad and went to hell, you would get all your poops and pee back.

I used to feel bad for the nice ladies in the white hats and black gowns with the cross necklaces because I thought people were calling them 'nothing'. When I learned how to spell, I finally realized they were called "N-u-n-s", not "n-o-n-e-s"

I used to believe…

This is my mothers:
When she was young, she went to a Catholic school, and one of the prayers that they had to say mentioned that God "livest and reignest, forever and ever, amen". My mother was very shocked to hear that God "livest down drainest" and wondered why he couldn't have picked a more pleasant spot to reside, being God and all.

I used to think that in the Our Father prayer, when everyone was saying "Lead us not into temptation;" they were saying "Lead our snot, into ten stations." I believed this until i was about nine.

I used to believe when people are put in their graves after death that they either went to heaven or hell. If they went to hell then the devil would pull a cord from under the grave and they would just fall straight down to hell into a fire pit.

I used to believe when I was 6 or 7 that the song "Our God Reigns" was "I've got brains..."

There was also another song about heaven that ended "..where we'll be to part no more." I thought it was "...where we'll be Chicago more." I thought it would be neat to visit Chicago since I had never been.

I used to believe…

My pediatrician's nurse introduced herself as "Candy," the same name as my aunt's pet who had died. So, wide-eyed, I asked her, "did you used to be a DOG?" She didn't answer, just stuck me with a syringe, so I cried and tried to hide anytime I saw her after that, never knowing if she was, in fact, my aunt's old dog!

I used to believe…

When I was four or five my mother tried to comfort me from bad dreams by telling me that jesus was always watching me. I became convinced that jesus was sitting on the edge of the bathtub watching me poop and finally had to be taken to the doctor when i refused to go to the bathroom for a week.

I believed that the offering from church was divided among the churches because the preacher said it was for the Kingdom of God.

And when the congregation would sing "Surely He Bore Our Sorrows" I thought they were talking about my Aunt Shirley.

I also believed that God had no face because of a mural in the baptistry that depicted Him with a blank, shining face.

I used to believe…

My mom always told told that you couldn't sew anything on Sunday, it was a sin, and if you did when you got to heaven God would make you pick stiches out of your nose.