religion

I used to believe…

When I was first told by my Sunday school teacher that God lived up in the sky, I thought that the stars were his many eyes, and they were watching us to see if we did bad things. Then I realised I could do bad things during the daytime, because God wasn't looking!

I found out that Hitler's first name was Adolf, and somehow connected this with Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. And then I started thinking that Santa was Hitler. I thought Santa/Hitler would come down the chimney at Christmas and gas me!

I used to believe…

Because I kept getting told that Jesus loved me, I thought everybody meant real love, and that when I was old enough I was going to marry Jesus. For ages I felt so proud knowing that I was engaged to Jesus, and that when we were married I would be able to take my revenge on anyone who was mean to me!

I used to believe…

When I was about four I thought that the song "Go tell it on the mountain" was "Go telly on the mountain." I thought that the song was about a television sitting on top of a mountain broadcasting a news program about Jesus' birth. Even today, when I hear the song, I imagine a television sitting there all alone in the snow with a nativity scene on the screen.

I used to believe…

A few years ago, I heard my dad sing the song "We Three Kings". He made up his own version, it went like this:
We three kings of Butternut Square,
Trying to sell some cheap underwear,
So fantastic; No elastic,
Ninety nine cents a pair ...

I beleived that the song went like that for a long, long time. I always wondered how a song with a tune that solemn could have such funny lyrics.
In fact, there was a time about a year ago when I had a momentary brain fart and had to ask about a Christmas carol ("We Three Kings"). I said to a friend, "Oh yah, that's the one about the underwear, right?" Needless to say I got a very strage look.

I used to believe…

When I was young we started attending church for a few years. I had never been in a church before, and was actually half-Jewish. Every Sunday the pastor would ask everyone to "say the prayer the Lord taught us", meaning The Lord's Prayer. Because he introduced it like that, and because nobody looked in their hymnals while they said it, I thought that it was so sacred that it wasn't allowed to be written down. I thought there was some long, mysterious ceremonial process to learning it, and that we would never be allowed to learn it or say it, since we weren't "really" Presbyterians. (To my mind, you weren't "really" a certain religion unless you were born into it.) I found it in a book at the library and memorized it in secret, as an act of adolecent rebellion. I couldn't for the life of me understand why Mom was proud when I spontaniously recited it to her after a fight.

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 I was over my friends house for the weekend. Well, we were enjoying a picnic lunch in her front lawn, when we overheard her mom on the phone "Get your bibles! Their gonna get us!" We thought sh was having some sort of vision or seizure or something, so we ran inside and asked what she was talking about. She told us that the Mormons were going around the neighborhood and jokingly said that if we didn't convert to their religion, they would send us to hell. Needless to say, we were creeped out for the rest of the day, looking over our shoulders for what we called the Hellraisers. We saw two men in suits walking down the opposite side of the road, and knew it was them. We took refuge in the van, and watched the men knock the neighbors' door. All we were thinking was "Don't open the door Brian, please don't open the door." Well, Brian didn't answer the door, much to our relief, and we were inside the house watching TV when the doorbell rang. We begged my friend's mom not to open the door, and she gave us the strangest look. We listened to her conversation with the men, and they turned out to be pretty mice guys. She invited them in, and we all chatted for a bit. They informed us that because of their faith, they had to do this every week for a year, and were only allowed 2 phone calls home each, and one letter a month. We felt pretty sorry for them when they left, and couldn't wait until the next time they would visit. Of course, out of politeness, we never called them Hellraisers to their faces, but still talk about it at parties.

I used to believe…

Growing up in a very religious home, once in a while, we'd have "devotions". I always liked them because we had to listen to the other person so that way no one would interrupt me. (I liked to talk, still do!) So every night after dinner, which was usually the time we would have them, i'd ask my mom, "Mommy, when are we going to have divorcen?"

I used to believe…

When I was a child, the song "The First Noel" had me thinking that the word "certain" could be a verb. The line "The first Noel the angels did say was to certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay" meant to me that the poor shepherds were uncertain about something, so the angels came to "certain" them, that is, to make them certain.

I used to believe…

When i was little and at church the precher would mention your soul...i always saw it as a golden block that was in the middle of your chest and it shone brighter if you did something good and got duller when you did something bad...i also thought that bad doctors who worked for the Devil could steal it if you had surgery....the last part i have no idea how that came about....

I used to believe…

When I was about 3 in the early '70s my mom and I were on a bus going to visit my grandpa. This hippie got on the bus who looked EXACTLY like Jesus! Not only that, but he had a T-shirt with a picture of Jesus on the front. As soon as he got on the bus I yelled, 'Look mommy, it's Jesus!' I thought it was pretty cool that Jesus was riding with us. Of course my mom was embarrassed.

I used to believe…

When I was about 3 years old, I went to church with my mom and dad. They told me all about church and told me that it was God's house (that was so I would behave, I had to behave at other people's houses). Well, when I got there and church started, I was looking all around the pews and picking up the kneelers and hymnals. My parents asked me what I was doing and I said "I'm looking for God... this is his house and he isn't even here... that is very rude, mommy." Later on I learned the truth.

I used to believe…

When i was little,my mother told me to be a good girl because god was watching my every move.From that moment on,i was afraid of sitting on the toilet or taking a bath,because i thought that god was watching me do it.

I used to believe…

when i was younger i got the gist that heaven was above the earth, in the clouds. i also believed that god was the same size as, and looked just like, a real man. i once spent a 4 hour flight to spain looking for him in the clouds - before finally deciding that he must be invisible! i was quite disappointed though - i was looking forward to seeing the angels in heaven!

i don't know if any of u know kid's songs but there's this one that goes "who built the ark? noah! noah!" like the story in the bible and i always thot it was "who build the ark? no one! no one!"
there was this other song about the golden rule that went "do to others, do to others, as u would have them do to u" and i thot they were singing "u have 2 mothers, u have 2 mothers etc" i always had a picture in my head of 2 women *both looking like my mom* pushing me in a stroller together

I used to believe…

this isnt abouyt me but my little sister, a few years ago(she was 15) she went to a christening, came back and tells my mum,'it was really weird, they kept standing up and saying little poems, no one told me i had to learn poems'

I used to believe…

Up until tonight I used to think Silent Night went "brown young virgin" because Mary was from the Middle East.

When I was a kid we went to a church that had a bad overhead so everything looked blurry on it. It was complicated by my dad's bad eyes so when he would sing this one song he would sing "may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your car" instead of "may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear". He would sing it really loud too.