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When I was 3 or 4, I learned in Sunday School that God is the Father. I took this literally and belived that God was my father, being too young to understand the theological implications of such a thing. Once I got upset with my "earth Dad" and told him that he wasn't my real Daddy. I'd imagine that it sparked an interesting conversation between my parents until they figured out I was just confused rather than alerting him to Mom's infidelity with another man.
When I was about 3 or 4 I used to be petrified of the vacuum cleaner ... I used to believe it was God.
How embarrassing that sounds now ...
During a trip with a stop in Trail, British Columbia,we went to the MacDonald's for a bite.My mother took me to the adjoining playground,where there were statues of the MacDonald's characters.The statue of Grimace seemed very large to my child's eyes, and the expression on his face seemed loving and forgiving.Having always heard that God is loving and forgiving,I decided that He must look like Grimace.I couldn't shake this belief even when I was very much old enough to know better.
In 1st grade, my teacher told us to draw a scene from the Bible. I drew Adam, Eve and the serpent prior to the Fall from grace, and I gave the serpent legs. "Why does the serpent have legs?" my teacher asked. "Well," I answered, "as a punishment for making Eve eat from the apple, God told it "upon thy belly shalt thou go", which means that prior to man's fall the serpent did not crawl but walk."
This isn't true??
I used to go sunday school a lot as a kid, and my parents used tell me loads about this Jesus guy; that he lived in a hot country, wore dress like garments and most likely had dark skin. So on a family holiday to Egypt (my dad's Egyptian)i saw him.(The exact image i had pictured Jesus to look like). Jesus was standing in Heathrow Airport. A sudden impluse took me, and i ran after him screaming at the top of my lungs "Jesus Jesus!!". My embarrassed parents had to run after me to explain that it wasn't Jesus at all; but a very unammused muslim lady.....apparently this happened more than once.
God was a smiling fat man with glasses and a white lab coat, whose favourite food was oranges. Why oranges? They were shaped like the Earth, of course. I also believed that if I were even better behaved than an angel, I could become a God too and marry Jesus. As a deity-in-training, needless to say, I ate a lot of oranges back then.
When I was a child, i used to believe, for possibly over two or three years, and with certainty, that God was no other than the Michelin Man.
I believed it that i never questioned it or bothered to ask anyone, it just seemed so commonsense.
I never knew he was made of tyres, i thought he was white and shaped like he was 'cos he was made from clouds, and i knew they used to say God was high above.
I watched him the TV and imagined playing soccer with him.
The Priest in my Catholic school had a big white phone on his desk. I asked him once in confession why I had to tell him my sins and I could not just tell God myself, I was about 8 years old - I asked, "is it because you talk to God, on the big white phone?" He laughed and answered, "Something like that, yes." So after that I made the sign of the cross in front of the big white phone whenever I passed his office. I beleived this for quite some time until I saw my mother, who was the secretary at the church, talking on THE PHONE one day and nearly had a heart attack. I thought it must be bad if God asked to talk to my mom. "What did he say, was it about me, cause I stole that chocolate from the store?" My mother, of coarse has never stopped teasing me about this. I still feel a little nostalgic when I see a big white phone. I always want to pick it up, just to see if by chance God's on the line. :)
When I was little, my mom told me the story about "Daniel and the Lion's Pit."
Daniel was thrown into a pit of lions because of the way he worshiped, but Jehovah God came and shut the mouth of the lions and he was saved. Well, I did not know what a "lion's pit" was, so I substituted the next best thing I knew -- Lion Spit. I thought the danger was that he would drown in all that spit. But when their mouths were shut, they would stop drooling and it would be ok. I think my mom actually slurred the words a little after she heard me retelling the story, just to keep the illusion alive.
The same sort of logic led me to believe the Israelites ate WHALES in the desert. They were complaining about the lack of meat and so a stiff breeze blew from the sea, and all these whales landed in the area where they were. I did wonder if anyone was crushed by the falling whales... As it turns out, they were Quails (small birds -- avg 18cm long). I sure learned a LOT after I learned how to read for myself!
When I was about 6 years old I went to church for the first time and someone there told me that God was everything. I then pictured God to be a giant pile of household appliances and furniture, mostly consisting of washing machines and couches.
When I found out that Hell was all fire and heat, I pictured the devil being a microwave with the buttons and arms coming out of his sides and everything. It wasn't until later I saw the horned figure of him.
When I was little I used to think that God looked like Ronald McDonald and that he lived in the vent in the ceiling of our downstairs bathroom. I used to go in there and look up to the vent and pray. Go figure.
When I was six, the Sunday School teacher went around our class asking each of us what we knew about Jesus. When my turn came, I said that He really liked animals. The teacher asked me how I knew that, and I replied, "Because he healed the leopards." It must have taken a lot of effort for her to keep a straight face while she explained what a leper was.
Because I kept getting told that Jesus loved me, I thought everybody meant real love, and that when I was old enough I was going to marry Jesus. For ages I felt so proud knowing that I was engaged to Jesus, and that when we were married I would be able to take my revenge on anyone who was mean to me!
I found out that Hitler's first name was Adolf, and somehow connected this with Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. And then I started thinking that Santa was Hitler. I thought Santa/Hitler would come down the chimney at Christmas and gas me!
I always thought 'virgin' was Marys star sign and could never work out why it was such a big deal
In Sunday school my teacher told me that Jesus was in my heart. I became very upset and started screaming for my mother to get him out.
I always pictured the good Samaritan as a Samurai. Still do, in fact.
My mother told me that Jesus lived inside me, so I figured the only place he would fit is in my stomach. I imagined a landscape of chicken legs and vegetables where he walked around in his robes...
When I was little, my friends and I thought clouds were make out of marshmellow, so we would throw sticks in the sky to see if they would hit the clouds so we could eat some. Once, my friend threw a stick up and it didn't come down. From then on we thought "God" was angry at us because we were throwing sticks at "him".