religion: church

i've never been to church, but, when i was younger, i used to ask one of my neigbours if they could come out. But they always said, sorry, we have to go to sunday school. I thought, ooohhh, those poor people have to go to school on sunday, life must be bad for them.

Sometimes my family and I used to go to my dad's childhood church for special occasions, instead of our usual one. There was a door behind the altar with a fancy iron gate, and when I asked my dad what was in there, he said that was where Jesus was. But unlike a lot of beliefs I've seen on here, I did not feel like that church was special to have Jesus living in it; I was actually kind of creeped out. Why did they have to keep him behind a gate instead of letting him out to see everyone? I ended up deciding that maybe it was not Jesus in there at all, but an angry spirit that had to be kept away from us. Or if it was Jesus, maybe HE was angry about something somebody at the church had done and was locked up so he wouldn't take revenge in public.

Recently I went back to that church and it has been remodeled to look entirely different. The door is gone and just a blank wall is there now. I might think I had imagined that door if not for the vivid memories of all the time I spent as a kid staring at it in wonder and horror during mass.

In our church, a layperson would say the final prayer aloud while we all bowed our heads and closed our eyes. For years and years I thought the preacher did something magical, because when the prayer was over and we opened our eyes, he had moved from the pulpit to the back of the church. I didn't figure it out until one day when I was brave enough to open my eyes during the prayer and I saw him walk down the aisle with his eyes wide open!

ok as a kid i always went to church on sundays and one time we sat in the very back where alll the screaming babies were because my mom had just had my new sister sarah. and there were these stairs (tht i now know lead up to the balcony) in the back close to where we sat. i always used to ask my dad to take me up there but he never would and i thot tht there must be a very good reason for this. soo i started to believe that tht was the church attic with dusty old statues and that there was a door in the very back and behind that door is where God kept hell and my dad wldnt take me up there because he didnt want me to accidentaly go to hell.

I used to believe…

every sunday wen i was a little kid my parents made me go to church and we would sit in the front pew. from the front pew u got a full veiw of the alter and there were some rocks placed next to this saying carved into the wall. i used to believe that jesus's body was underneath them and i thot our church was very special because we got to keep jesus's body.


i never paid attention in church

Well-actually this was in my synnaguge. I was about 5 or 6 and there were these stained glass windows on the walls featuring the Jewish holidays and the twelve tribes of Israel. Well there was the one of Joseph-which is represented by a tree, and because the tree had sphere shaped fruit of green, pink and purple (dispite not being an evergreen) I concluded that it was a Christmas tree. So I happily shouted "Mommy, Christmas tree!" and she told me to shush.

I still find this to be delightfully funny.

I never really knew much about religion outside of mine (catholic). So I used to think that if a person was Christian, they were either Catholic or "other" I had know idea about the other, though.

My mother told me an Exorcist was a man who "Drives away demons". Then I asked my dad what an Exorcist was. He said "A man who says prayers, uses special objects, and things like that to get demons out of peoples body". Combining these two bits of info together, I thought they would exorcise the demon, toss him in his car trunk, and drive him to heck.

My family's catholic, so this one day we were in mass, I was about 4 or 5 and i had to chant along, and i thought chanting was a moral obligation no one could be excused from, so, I ended up asking my mother: "Mom, how do mute people chant?" We left church that very second because of my family's laughter...Even if I am not a cotholic now, they still remind me of mute people's chanting....

I once misunderstood a Bible verse and i thought that if I stole something or murdered someone Jesus would not forgive me and I would go to hell. So when i stole a 25cent toy from a trirft store I felt REALLY guilty and worried. Little did I know then that Jesus forgive ANYTHING.

My dad was a preacher in the United Baptist church (the ones who breathe loudly between every few words, sounding something like "uhmm-uhh"). As a child, I thought those sounds were hiccups, and I always wondered why preaching made Dad do that...not to mention why he could make them stop so quickly after church had ended. Once when I got the hiccups I decided that I was going to be a preacher when I grew up, so that I could make them stop whenever I wanted.

In church we'd say the Nicene Creed, and whenever we'd say 'On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures' I thought the words were 'in the filming of the scriptures.' I imagined the disciples watching a movie - a film - of Jesus coming back to life, with one of them in the back of the room running the projector.

I used to believe that the donation money went to the pastor and he would put it in a little red envelope and then secretly he would give it to a dove and then God would get it.

My dad is a rabbi, so I was so used to seeing the Star of David, and I figured that this is what all stars looked like. So once I drew a sky full of six-pointed stars, and my dad absolutely adored it... they were just supposed to be stars, but I couldn't tell him for years because he'd looked so proud of my religious statement. ^^

When I was little church confused me. Once when I was about 3 my father carried me up to communion with him. I thought the host was a necco wafer and screamed "I want a necco wafer!" at the top of my lungs and tried to grab one out of the chalice.

I also thought that at the beginning of the Mass the priest came in and as an act of, I don't know, self mutilation or torture, he would bash his head against the altar. This was because we usually got to church late and had to sit in the back and I couldn't see clearly. Finally I asked my mother "Why does the priest have to bang his head on the table when he comes in?"

Finally I thought God's name was Harold "Our father who art in heaven, HAROLD be thy name.."

I'm jewish and when i was younger my dad tried to convince me doing the bar mitzvah telling that only oblied kids would not do it. For some time i pictured evil priests attacking little childs and taking to churches until my father said it was not like that and asked sorry for confusing my little mind.