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there was a man at my church when i was little, and my older sister and i called him "the angry man" because his eyebrows were in a weird position so he always looked angry. we felt bad that he was angry all the time, and i wondered why on earth his wife married him...
when i was really young, like about 3 my parents were out of town for a week and we had a babysitter. she took us to church, which was something i hadn't done before since we weren't religious. it was excruciatingly boring but after a while of sitting there i thought i would try to listen to what was being said (because i couldn't see over the pews i thought it was just over a loud speaker or something). i coulnd't figure out why they kept talking about something called "cheesus" and couldn't fathom what the big deal with cheese was. i still don't get it, to be honest.
When I was just a little kid, there were Coca-Cola commercials on at the time that would always end with a person taking a drink of Coke, and saying: "Ahhh". The priest at my church would always say "Ahhh" (but more of an exhaling of breath than an Ahhh) after he took a drink from the chalice. This lead me to believe that the priest had Coca-cola in his chalice.
In the church I used to go to, there was this huge crucifix above the altar with a pretty realistic-looking dead Jesus model on it. I used to believe this model Jesus was actually Jesus' body and we were the luckiest church in the world because we had the real Jesus.
When I was little, and was taken to church on a communion Sunday, the trays of juice and bread were always covered with a white sheet, resulting in a large mound in the middle of the table. I always thought that there was a pregnant woman laying underneath the sheet and we were going to see her have the baby right there.
I used to think, for some reason, that you wern't actually allowed to go into graveyards without an adult with you, so if I ever went into my local cemetery, which was a churchyard cemetery, I always imagined there was a priest inside the (non-catholic) church lurking around and spying out the windows(stained glass) who would come out screaming and yelling if he saw me and chase me out of the cemetery.
i used to think that being a prostitute was a religion. (sort of like protestant i guess?)
When I was young, I always attend church services. When one pastor would talk about what hell looks like, I thought that he said a bad word in front of the audiences. My father corrected me at age 8 that 'hell' was not meant to be use as a swear word, hell is a place of eternal punishment for the wicked.
When I was little, my mother and aunt took me to church for the very first time. I think I was around 5 years old. ANyway, whne we got there I sat paitently with my hand folded across my lap and said repeatedly to my mother " I'm ready to see God now." I then procedded to relentlessley make comments throughout the mass such as " Hey look at the Big T", and " Who's that guy in the God suit"
I thought that the 3rd commandment 'Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy god in vain' was taking something out of the artery.
When we were at a church meeting and they would talk about 'satellite schools' I thought that 'satellite schools' were schools where you learn how to operate a satellite dish.
At my church, before communion, we say "let us keep the feast, alleluia". For the longest time, I thought it was "let us eat the feast, alleluia".
the first time i saw a confession box, i clocked that it was about the size of a person (even though you couldn't see in), was in the dark, kinda spooky corners of the church and had a person's name over the door, and figured that that must be where they kept the dead bodies while they were waiting for the funeral! i used to sprint past them, cos i was petrafied that one was going to fall out on me.
On passover, my parents always told me to wait through the whole long service for the afikoman, which I was supposed to find after dinner. In reality this is a hidden piece of matzah, or unleavened bread, which tastes like an extremely stale cracker. But I used to believe that it must be a giant slab of chocolate, because no one in their right mind would sit for so long just to wait for some hidden matzah.
When I read the phrase in the Bible "Thou art there," I thought that it was same as saying "there's art there."
When I was not yet tall enough to see over the people in front of me at church, I used to believe that it was God actually giving mass into a loudspeaker. When I eventually grew taller, I thought our preist was God's substitue, because he had to be at other churches on Sunday.
When I was younger, I believed that Priests could get married, but only to Nuns
When I first started going to church with my mother, I was too short to see over the seats in front of me to the altar. When the mass started, I couldn't tell where the voice was coming from! I honestly thought it was the voice of God speaking to us from the loudspeakers on the walls. I thought it was funny that God sounded a lot like Father Joyce....
when i was a kid and we went to church, the priest would always tell us to offer each other a sign of peace. (shake hands and say "peace"). but i always used to say, "Peas!" instead of "Peace." OOps
The deadline for signing up to be an altar boy was fast approaching, and I knew my family wanted me to join. My mom found me depressed and crying the night before the deadline. She pressed me for details, and I admitted that I just wasn't sure I wanted to sign my life over to the priesthood yet. Where in the world I got the idea that becoming an altar boy meant I was a priest for life, I have no idea, but mom's reassurances never provided more comfort than on that night.