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In the church I used to go to, there was this huge crucifix above the altar with a pretty realistic-looking dead Jesus model on it. I used to believe this model Jesus was actually Jesus' body and we were the luckiest church in the world because we had the real Jesus.
When I was little, and was taken to church on a communion Sunday, the trays of juice and bread were always covered with a white sheet, resulting in a large mound in the middle of the table. I always thought that there was a pregnant woman laying underneath the sheet and we were going to see her have the baby right there.
I used to think, for some reason, that you wern't actually allowed to go into graveyards without an adult with you, so if I ever went into my local cemetery, which was a churchyard cemetery, I always imagined there was a priest inside the (non-catholic) church lurking around and spying out the windows(stained glass) who would come out screaming and yelling if he saw me and chase me out of the cemetery.
i used to think that being a prostitute was a religion. (sort of like protestant i guess?)
When I was young, I always attend church services. When one pastor would talk about what hell looks like, I thought that he said a bad word in front of the audiences. My father corrected me at age 8 that 'hell' was not meant to be use as a swear word, hell is a place of eternal punishment for the wicked.
When I was little, my mother and aunt took me to church for the very first time. I think I was around 5 years old. ANyway, whne we got there I sat paitently with my hand folded across my lap and said repeatedly to my mother " I'm ready to see God now." I then procedded to relentlessley make comments throughout the mass such as " Hey look at the Big T", and " Who's that guy in the God suit"
I thought that the 3rd commandment 'Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy god in vain' was taking something out of the artery.
When we were at a church meeting and they would talk about 'satellite schools' I thought that 'satellite schools' were schools where you learn how to operate a satellite dish.
At my church, before communion, we say "let us keep the feast, alleluia". For the longest time, I thought it was "let us eat the feast, alleluia".
the first time i saw a confession box, i clocked that it was about the size of a person (even though you couldn't see in), was in the dark, kinda spooky corners of the church and had a person's name over the door, and figured that that must be where they kept the dead bodies while they were waiting for the funeral! i used to sprint past them, cos i was petrafied that one was going to fall out on me.
On passover, my parents always told me to wait through the whole long service for the afikoman, which I was supposed to find after dinner. In reality this is a hidden piece of matzah, or unleavened bread, which tastes like an extremely stale cracker. But I used to believe that it must be a giant slab of chocolate, because no one in their right mind would sit for so long just to wait for some hidden matzah.
When I read the phrase in the Bible "Thou art there," I thought that it was same as saying "there's art there."
When I was not yet tall enough to see over the people in front of me at church, I used to believe that it was God actually giving mass into a loudspeaker. When I eventually grew taller, I thought our preist was God's substitue, because he had to be at other churches on Sunday.
When I was younger, I believed that Priests could get married, but only to Nuns
When I first started going to church with my mother, I was too short to see over the seats in front of me to the altar. When the mass started, I couldn't tell where the voice was coming from! I honestly thought it was the voice of God speaking to us from the loudspeakers on the walls. I thought it was funny that God sounded a lot like Father Joyce....
when i was a kid and we went to church, the priest would always tell us to offer each other a sign of peace. (shake hands and say "peace"). but i always used to say, "Peas!" instead of "Peace." OOps
The deadline for signing up to be an altar boy was fast approaching, and I knew my family wanted me to join. My mom found me depressed and crying the night before the deadline. She pressed me for details, and I admitted that I just wasn't sure I wanted to sign my life over to the priesthood yet. Where in the world I got the idea that becoming an altar boy meant I was a priest for life, I have no idea, but mom's reassurances never provided more comfort than on that night.
I went to a church and I lived in a city called Holly and when i looked at the bibles in the church they would say Holy bible I thought they were talking about a "Holly Bible" and that they had a Bible for Holly.
In my home town there is a church called Our Lady Of Assumption Catholic Church. As a child I clearly remember struggling to try to figure out the meaning of that name. Back then I was in an early stage of grappling with learning the English language, in which big words differing only by a prefix all ran together. Then, if I could speak of someone living in a "compartment house", of shopping at an "appartment store", or of items kept in one's car's "glove department", I could have counted myself lucky to come that close to getting it right, and to be basically understood, albeit with some chuckles. As for "assumption", that pretty much ran together with "consumption" for me, and the main meaning I'd heard of for "consumption" back then was tuberculosis. So I got the idea that that church was named for some unfortunate woman with tuberculosis. To this very day, thinking of that church reminds me of that poor tuberculosis victim and I have to catch myself and correct my perception. I guess I'm lucky that my first encounter with the word "comsumption" (while it would still run together with "assumption") was not in regard to consumption of alcoholic beverages. If it had been that, I might be fighting off to this day a perception that that church's namesake were a woman anywhere from a bit tipsy to out and out drunk!
At my childhood church, after a passage from the new testament had been read, the congregation would simulateously respond to "This is the word of the Lord" with "Thanks be to God". I though for years that they had said "Thanks Peter God"!