religion: church

After drinking the wine, our priest would kneel below the altar as usual. When I was five, I thought that the priest was "disappearing" under the table to spit the wine out because it tastes fuckin' horrible.
I also thought that the wine which is constantly spat everyday would help to deteriorate the church, and that this was the true meaning of christianity.

I used to believe that an egg would magically appear in one of the special little gold boxes at the front of the (Catholic) church I went to. It was supposed to be like magic. But then I started to wonder if the priest just put it in there when no one was looking.

When I was 5 years old, my minister's name was Pastor Luthro, and the church was named Trinity Lutheran Church. When the pastor left and a new one arrived, I could not figure out why they didn't re-name the church.

A common expression in the church I attended when younger is it was the house of the Lord. I always wondered where he was when we were "visiting his house", and I believed he was behind this door in the front of the chapel (housing the organ machinery) and our pastor was there in front to prevent us from going up and disturbing Him.

In the church I used to go to, there was this huge crucifix above the altar with a pretty realistic-looking dead Jesus model on it. I used to believe this model Jesus was actually Jesus' body and we were the luckiest church in the world because we had the real Jesus.

When I was little, I went to a church with a loft for the choir. I didn't know that stairs led up to the loft. I was convinced they led to a rollercoaster that took you to Heaven to see God.

I used to go to CCD (Sunday School). We would sit in the church area at the beginning of it with the teachers and the priest. My friends and I would sit in the front row because we liked not having to look over people's heads, also because we felt special. (But that's not the point.) Well, the priest would stand up front and usually talk to everyone. One day I raised my hand and asked him "Where is the real Jesus?" He responded, "What?" I then said "Well, in our church, we have a fake Jesus. Where is the REAL Jesus hanging up?" He still didn't understand, got angry and ignored me.
As you can see, I was refering to in the front of churches there are the big crosses with Jesus on it (Where the priest talks and stuff). I wanted to know in what church was the real Jesus hanging up in. I had a few more thoughts about this concept. One of them being it would smell bad in that church because he would be really old and have not taken a shower in a while (not to mention, he'd be dead).
Kids are funny.

i used to believe that the lines said by the priest will turn one to a priest. so i cried every time i saw my dad mumbled the priest's lines during mass because i thought that will turn him into a priest and then he'll leave us forever.

I believed going in front the church meant I was going to be married. Thus, when my mom brought our whole family up to light the advent wreath, I screamed, "I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED" and ran off.

my grandfather told me that protestants historically wore the color orange - so one day when I was wearing an orange shirt - I told my parents that I was just like the prostitutes.

When I was in elementary school, I went to a Catholic school where we took "going to church" very seriously. Our church was right down the road so it made it easy for us to walk there as a class almost every week. Our teachers always told us the basics on how to conduct ourselves during a mass. I was always afraid on doing something wrong so I'd do everything that the priest would do. If he'd raise his arms, I'd raise mine. It wasnt until the end of the second grade that one of my friends standing next to me poked my arm to ask what i was doing. She explained to me that i didnt have to copy everything he does, and I remember feeling really horrible after, b/c I was worried that if the priest saw me doing that, that he might've thought i was making fun of him. In reality for as long as i had been going, I didnt know.

During church people would sing "Hosanna in the highest", I thought that Hosanna was Jesus's actual name. It turns out it's just Hebrew for "Help us" or "Save us".

By second grade I had learned about the chosen people, the Jews of biblical times. I had never heard the term in a contemporary context so when a little girl my age, a neighbor of my grandmother, told me she was a Jew, I remember being absolutely amazed and delighted. I had assumed they no longer existed, as if in another era they had mysteriously become extinct like dinosaurs.

When I was a kid we all went to a very conservative independent baptist church. We were taught that people of other faiths: catholics, methodists, etc., were wicked and ultimately bound for hell. It was around this same time (i was 6 or 7) we were told the story of Sodom & Gomorah. How they were wicked and engaged in all kinds of immoral sexual acts. Since the term 'wicked' was also applied to other churches, I remember every sunday we would pass this large methodist church on the way home and i would strain my eyes trying to make out the forms of people engaging in a mass orgy through the church widows and thinking how much I'd like to get in there and have a good look! I don't know why but for some reason I was also sure there would be trapeze artist preforming in there as well.

I used to believe that when you were at church handing offerings in the little tray, the pastor would then take the money outside and throw it up in the air so God could catch it.

At my church, there's a life-size statue of Jesus on the cross, hanging on one of the walls. For years I thought that was Jesus Himself, the actual body, watching my every move!

When we were at a church meeting and they would talk about 'satellite schools' I thought that 'satellite schools' were schools where you learn how to operate a satellite dish.

I used to believe that the donation money went to the pastor and he would put it in a little red envelope and then secretly he would give it to a dove and then God would get it.

In church (we're Catholic) there's this part where the priest says, 'Lift up your heart' and we reply with, 'We lift them up to the Lord.' As I kid I'd always stand up on my toes and stick my chest out, trying to lift up my heart.